Throughout the night, an audience woman from Brooklyn kicks footballs.

""Dropping Stuff Off the 8th Floor Window"" includes: champagne bottles, confetti, a TV monitor, presidential plates, fluorescent tubes, and bowling balls into a bathtub of pudding. The first two miss their mark; the third makes it but destroys the tub.

Dave comments on Robbie Kondor; a car alarm goes off outside the theater, so Dave goes outside and bombs the offending car; Chuck Berry sings ""Johnny B. Goode""; Zsa Zsa Gabor laments and spews profanities after discovering her car has been destroyed.

Hal Gurnee harasses taxi drivers by posting their images on the Times Square jumbotron.

An audience member gives Dave a tiny pair of pants; Gavin MacLeod pops in several times, interrupting the monologue and presenting the Top Ten.

John Popper sits in with the band; Bill Murray tours Broadway; Macaulay Culkin promotes ""Richie Rich.""

Tim Allen promotes his bestselling book, Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man.

Two standby audience folks named Jenya and Gary are sent to take food to Dan Rather, courtesy of Rupert. Later, Mike Judge discusses his hit MTV show ""Beavis & Butt-head.""

Calvert goes trick-or-treating in Nutley, New Jersey (Martha Stewart's hometown); Lauren Bacall plugs ""Pret-a-Porter"" (Ready to Wear).

John Popper sits in; throughout the night, Mujibur and Sirajul appear as correspondents on Court TV; Elijah Wood plugs North.

Dave gets freshened up by a street sweeper; Rupert serves ""Bill Clinton Soup.""

Live via telephone, Jerry Lewis pronounces the new governor's name ""Puh-tack-ee;"" ""Picket Fences"" star Fyvush Finkel sings ""If I Were a Rich Man;"" The Cranberries perform ""Zombie.""

Dave selects a woman from outside named Laurie Byrd to be his co-host tonight; Biff and George Clarke recreate a scene from the hit CBS miniseries ""Scarlett.""

The outside cam reveals that Dave's picture in the window of Joe G's Pizza. Dave calls and distracts Joe while Paul steals the unflattering portrait; Jon Lovitz plugs North.

Roseanne makes a rare political statement; Dave's accountant Fred Nigro takes a bow.

Mujibur, Sirajul and Tony Randall take a photo together; tonight's celebrities in the audience: Mia Farrow, Eddie Murphy and Sharon Stone.

One of tonight's cue cards goes to a garbage truck outside; in the latest edition of ""Rupert and Me,"" Dave radios strange comments to Rupert, which are then repeated out loud to annoyed passers-by; Nicholas Turturro sings ""My Way;"" Michael Keaton gets arrested for shoplifting at Hello Deli.

Cold Opening: Jim Carrey and an unshaven Dave goof around. Later in the show, Mickey, the barber at the Wellington Hotel, shaves off Dave's beard.

Siskel and Ebert throw snowballs; Michael J. Fox walks onstage with a cow.

Bad Religion performed ""Infected""

During ""Charts and Graphs,"" Dave sends an audience member down the street for copies of a chart. Also, Dave calls the mother of a different audience member, but he ends up leaving a message on her machine.

A customer at Hello Deli shows Dave her holiday photos. Later, Dave checks his temperature (99.5 F).

Dave ends the show early yet again, and Paul finds him sobbing on the Ricki Lake show; Biff has champagne coming out of his ears; Dick Clark presents the Top Ten; Dave and Richard Simmons go harassing people door-to-door in New Jersey.

Michael Buffer announces Phil Hartman's entry onstage; a comely postal carrier distracts Dave.

Dave autographs a ham; Calvert (dressed as Newt Gingrich's mother) presents the Top Ten.

An audience member hangs out in the band section; Mujibur and Sirajul become the latest witnesses to testify for O.J. Simpson.

Al Green performs ""Let's Stay Together.""

Dave shows a (bogus) Super Bowl ad starring himself; Gerard presents ""Top Ten Signs You're Not the Sexiest Man Alive.""

Rosanne Cash performs ""I Count the Tears.""

Dave introduces the brand new ""Late Show Dancers,"" who prance around throughout the show. Also, 83-year-old Empire State Building employee Chico Chimone plays the piano.

Dave sends three members from the audience to go to a nearby movie theater to videotape some clips from Pulp Fiction. They return in time to show the footage during John Travolta's guest appearance to promote the film. Also, Mujibur and Sirajul report from yesterday's Daytona 500.

Cybill Shepherd promotes her new sitcom; Gary Sinise brags about the perks of being an Academy Award Nominee.

Wayne Newton (live via satellite) presents the Top Ten; Michael McKean comments on the recent troubles on the set of ""Saturday Night Live;"" David Byrne and the CBS Orchestra perform ""You & Eye.""

Bernie Worrell sits in; Al Roker does a weather forecast; Dave retrieves a blue card from ""Forrest Gump"" (Calvert); Jeff Goldblum tap dances.

Dave sends the standby audience to The Gap to purchase and wear matching outfits before they're allowed to return to the theater. By the end of the show, they are all wearing identical sweaters and khakis. (correct synopsis)

On the first Letterman show ever aired on this date, Bill Cosby, Tito Puente, and Dave climb a ladder up to the balcony, and Luke Perry does a science experiment in place of bumped guest Lee Marek.

Dave sends the standby audience to The Gap to purchase and wear matching outfits before they're allowed to return to the theater. By the end of the show, they are all wearing identical sweaters and khakis.

Dave gives a girl in the audience named Amy money to buy spring flowers, and later her boyfriend (also in the audience) sings karaoke with Will Smith.

A woman in the audience bakes cookies for everyone; Conan O'Brien appears in Dave's latest Oscar-related dream; Dave gets his toupee dry-cleaned.

Throughout the night, Dave practices giving out Oscars, awarding achievements by Tony Randall, Doc Severinson (who's sitting in), Tony Mendez, a hi-ho girl, and Sirajul Islam (Mujibur was sick). Also, Dave chats with a man whose dog ran away, then found his pet on the opposite side of the country.

John Mayall sits in; Dave comments on his much-scrutinized performance as host of last week's Academy Awards.

Throughout the night, the legendary Ashton Family acrobats perform their greatest stunts outside on 53rd Street.

Dave spells Uma and Oprah with hot dog wieners, while Creepy Dave lurks in the backdrop during his interview with Bryant Gumbel.

At the end of tonight's ""New Books"" segment, Dave gives one of the phony manuscripts to a girl in the audience. Also, for no apparent reason, Gerard dances around onstage in a sun dress.

Two babes in the audience are observed with ""Marry Us Dave"" T-shirts; Dave, Calvert, and Biff sit around and do nothing for three minutes; Dave asks cab drivers what they thought of his performance at the Oscars.

Dave invites the stand-by audience to his office and watch the show from there. Later, they're joined by Faye Dunaway and chef Wolfgang Puck.

Throughout the night, various staffers walk onstage to give Dave ""dramatic tension,"" while Robert Pastorelli explains his departure from the hit comedy Murphy Brown.

Mayor Guiliani and Dave agree to disagree on the new slogan for the New York Tourism Board; Drew Barrymore gives Dave a birthday surprise.

The New York Daily News, having headlined their paper with last night's Guiliani-chosen slogan, distributes miniature buttons to the audience reading ""We Can Kick Your City's Ass"" commemorating the headline. Also, Bela Fleck sits in with the band on banjo.

Two days after NYC's new slogan, ""We Can Kick Your City's Ass,"" reaches beyond the Hudson, Dave hears from mayors of other cities; Slash of Guns n' Roses fame sits in; a skit involving jelly beans bursting out of Biff's ears is botched when the wiring doesn't work properly.

Live Remote: Dave annoys both an H&R Block tax accountant and his mortified customer, who prefers to hide her face.

Dave selects five guys from the audience to compete in a basketball match outside on 53rd Street with five (alleged) New York Knicks. By the end of the show, the final score is Audience 108, Knicks 107.

Dave complains that the cue-card Tony is holding is too small, so Inky replaces it with a giant banner; ten mayors of other cities present the Top Ten; a blue card is missing and soon found taped to Sandra Bullock's backside.

An audience talent show is interrupted by Helen Reddy, who pops up several times throughout the show; later, she teams up with Blues Traveler to perform ""Hook.""

Tony Randall drops by to announce who tomorrow's guests will be, and Dave squirts him with a fire extinguisher. Later, Biff Henderson and Pat Farmer carry Tony outside and into a taxi. Also, Dolly Parton presents the Top Ten.

After word spreads to the media that he's losing his ratings edge over Leno, Dave wants to find out if people are still watching the show, so he displays his desk phone number on the Times Square Jumbotron. The only people who call are CBS employees who have access to a live feed in their offices. Frustrated, Dave dips the receiver into his coffee.

In tonight's live remote, Dave annoys customers down the street at the Sam Ash music store and invites Marcia to sit in with the band on alto sax.

David Sanborn sits in yet again; various New York Yankees present the Top Ten; Dave loses a blue card, then finds it at McDonald's.

The Flying Rat is introduced on the show during a segment called ""What's New for Spring""; in the same segment a small army of clowns attack Mujibur and Sirajul, then storm the Late Show stage; Dave chats with ""Buddy, the Sleepy Lifeguard.""

Dave and Paul leave the show early to go over to Madison Square Garden for the circus, where they run into an acrobat bearing a strong resemblance to Calvert; the flying rat attacks Dan Rather, and is later seen as a guest on Nightline; Dave and Felecia waltz.

All of tonight's guests (Marilu Henner, Kris Kristofferson, Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, and Mario Van Peebles) are at Rupert's playing spin the bottle. Also, the flying rat demonstrates its supremacy of the New York skyline by swallowing a giant bird whole.

The Giant Flying Rat is introduced via lasers and special effects just after being interviewed by Tom Snyder.

(Supposed) Audience requests are fulfilled in tonight's ""Who Asked For It?"" while Harry Connick Jr. promotes his new album.

Pete Fatovich attempts to kiss Paul again; the giant flying rat delivers the Top Ten list; Jake Johanssen discusses a recent trip to the supermarket.

The giant flying rat dons a sombrero; Dave leaves the show early to marry Drew Barrymore; a man gets kicked in the face by a racehorse; Dave and Paul go supermarket shopping.

Dave sends audience members Nico and Ingrid Van Eenennaan to London (to promote the show's visit next week) with a camcorder, root beer, and the Giant Flying Rat. Neither are seen or heard from again.

Jimmy Smits, a guest the night before, is seen in his hotel room naked, doing push-ups and watching TV in bed. Also, Paul quits to become a professional boxer, but he gives up and comes back to the show.

The Dutch husband and wife from last night resurface for a brief moment; Paul wears a top hat and a tuxedo; Bruce Willis gets his head scrubbed.

Paul decides to have plastic surgery, then wakes up from the procedure with a conehead; Dave shows a clip of Pakistan's #1 sitcom, ""Seinjibur""; Hugh Grant promotes Nine Months.

Calvert mimics the Giant Flying Rat; Dave comments on preparations for next week's trip to London; Julianna Marguiles promotes the much-hyped season finale of ER.

The Late Show starts its week broadcasting from London. Ten London Guards bring Dave out onstage; Dave and Paul wreck havoc in the city; Elton John reacts to William Shatner's videotaped rendition of ""Rocket Man,"" then performs ""Made in England.""

London, Day 2: The new James Bond, Remington Steele star Pierce Brosnan, enters backstage with models and martinis; Little Richard and Chuck Berry sit in; Dave's mom reports from a pub. (correct synopsis)

London, Day 3: ""London Souvenirs"" include a Prince Charles Ketchup Dispenser, a Bobby Helmet Bra, and a Tea Cannon, brought out by fake London guards. Also, Peter O'Toole enters riding a camel, and Van Morrison barely remembers the words to his own song ""Have I Told You Lately"" in a performance with Sinead O'Connor and the Chieftains. (correct synopsis)

London, Day 4: Dave and Paul play soccer (or should I say football?) at Wembley Stadium; live via satellite from New York, Tony Randall trashes the theater; John Cleese presents the Top Ten. (correct synopsis)

London, Day 5: Dave repeats a monologue joke in a British accent; Salman Rushdie hands the Top Ten to Dave, and is presented by ten bobbies; Dorothy drops by to comment on her week of sightseeing.

Cold opening: Dave belatedly thanks Drew Barrymore for her birthday ""gift"" last month. Also, Dave pays Mujibur and Sirajul to pummel Paul.

It's the debut of ""May We Turn Your Pants Into Shorts?"" Dave cuts up his own slacks before shredding the pants of Paul and Mel Gibson.

Clint Black sits in; candy is thrown at the audience; the Top Ten Office is relocated to an audience member's hometown of Glenn's Falls, New York; in honor of Ringo Starr, Paul, Dave, and the audience try to recreate Beatlemania.

Dave takes a bunch of sailors to a local watering hole; Mujibur and Sirajul visit Dorothy in Indianapolis; Dave bids farewell to longtime director Hal Gurnee by placing a plaque on the control room door.

Cold Opening: Nicole Kidman asks Dave if he's drunk. Also, displayed by the window of an advertising agency across the street from the Ed Sullivan Theater is a giant toothbrush and tooth; Dave invites the workers from that window to bring the items into the theater and then presents them with the Crest Pledge.

Indianapolis 500 champion Jacque Vileneuve races a NYC cab around the theater block in competition with NYC cabbie Buke Kadikiran; Dave shows (doctored) footage of Dan Rather replacing his CBS Evening News co-host Connie Chung with… Dan Rather.

Biff delivers Dave in a golf cart; Dave and an audience member named Hal help choose the network's new slogan; a pyrotechnic exhibition is held in the backdrop.

It's time for a studio audience talent show, with friends and relatives of the performers swamping the backdrop. Shortly after his interview, Mike Myers joins the crowd.

Dave tells Rupert to bother people at a local bistro with his hidden mic; Dave chats with a woman that recently won $87,000,000 in the state lottery; head CBS executives ""Les Moonves"" and ""Peter Lund"" sing Bob Seger's ""Like a Rock.""

Dave chooses a person off the street to tell their life story; the Top Ten Home Office moves to Grand Rapids, Michigan; Chris O'Donnell plugs Batman Forever.

Stephen Stills sits in; Dave ""attends"" a recent President Clinton press conference; basketball star/party animal Dennis Rodman comments on his recent antics.

Travis, a five-year-old golden retriever, has the ""Dog Cam"" attached to his head; John Turturro dresses up as Batman, then hands Dave the Top Ten list; Dan Rather talks about Connie Chung's departure from CBS, then promotes his workout video ""Old Train Songs to Sweat By.""

Dave arrives at the theater in a police car; throughout the night, spelling bee winner Justin Carroll comes out to spell various ten-cent words; Dave chats with Robert Horry of the NBA Champion Houston Rockets.

Travis and the Dog Cam return; Englebert Humperdinck serenades Rupert; ten kindergarteners write and present the Top Ten.

Dave announces that this is show number 4000, but later admits he's off by a zero; John Denver performs the theme song to ""Supermarket Finds""; Alan King gloats over his grandkids.

Dave invites both a cabbie and an audience member to jump into a rooftop swimming pool. They're later joined by two NYC cops and Bob Saget.

Shortly after a ""What's New for Summer"" segment, Dave hands hamsicles (or, if you will, cold ham on a stick) to the audience. Also, ""Batman"" (Calvert) hands Dave the Top Ten list, while Tony Bennett performs ""My Love Went to London.""

Cold Opening: ""ER"" star Anthony Edwards refuses to give Dave a physical. Also, Jonathan Katz does standup and promotes Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist.

Dave celebrates the fifteenth anniversary of the debut of The David Letterman Show by showing clips of the first broadcast; Biff interrupts Dave so that Corey Pavin (winner of the 1995 U. S. Open) can drop by; various staffers take their moms to the Russian Tea Room.

Bernie Kopell storms out of the theater after ""The Love Boat"" is somehow mentioned twice in a Top Ten List about Hockey. Later, Dave chats with ""Coach"" star Jerry Van Dyke, while Warren Zevon performs ""Mutineer,"" a song he would later perform in his last TV appearance in 2002.

Dave invites a standby audience member to play ""Will You Eat the Meatloaf?"" Later in the show, Dave chats with Pete, the dishwasher at Hello Deli.

In an experimental comedy bit called ""Letters to the Editor,"" Dave reads a (bogus) note from Al Gore telling The New Yorker that he loves their cartoons.

Dave shows the audience an old photo of Morty with an afro, and then later shows a doctored photo of himself with a head-bush. Also, Dave helps Tom Hanks shave a beard he grew on vacation.

In a remote, Dave asks apartment dwellers, ""What's the Coolest Thing In Your Apartment?""

Jim Carrey, Andre Agassi, and Tom and Roseanne Arnold miraculously appear in the audience, Tom being both on stage and in the audience simultaneously. Also, Dave orders pancakes from the Fashion Cafe for Christy Turlington and a heavyset audience member.

Dave says hello to viewers in France and Italy in their respective native tongues; during ""May We See Your Photos, Please?"" Dave demands to see photos of meat or nudity; Penn and Teller perform one of their trademark dangerous stunts.

Charles Grodin promotes his new cable talk show.

A small army of cyclists rush across the stage, while Dave and Pete Sampras play a pickup round of tennis out on 53rd Street.

After an admittedly lame remote on a ""Day In The Life"" of producer Robert Morton, he jumps into a giant bowl of pudding, followed by Dave. Later in the show, Paul, Laurie Diamond, and the members of White Zombie join in.

Dave flashes back to how he stayed cool over the weekend by stuffing popsicles in his pants; a woman who picks up one of the pay phones at the kiosk outside the theater is chosen as an honorary guest host; Alicia Silverstone promotes Clueless; Dave and Pam the phone lady switch jackets.

Dan Rather presents the Top Ten; Chevy Chase plugs Man of the House and talks tennis.

Ed Sullivan Theater Building Engineer George Clarke begins his ""Quest for Corn"" throughout the Midwest. He's off to Illinois.

Dave demonstrates a triple pencil flip; Rupert finds one of Dave's blue cards attached to Mary Tyler Moore's backside; Dave shows old footage of Andy Kaufman dancing with a giant snake.

Clarence Clemons of the E Street Band sits in; Dave offers an audience guy with an unruly beard $300 to shave it; Talent Assistant Zoe Friedham gets a tattoo; Dave gives the newly-shaven man $400.

A ""Dumb Ads"" segment introduces Canadian filling station attendent Dick Assman. The entire North American audience immediately catches ""Dick Assmania."" Later, a monkey in the green room throws fruit, while The Quest for Corn hits Omaha, Nebraska.

Dave calls up Dick Assman; Ray Liotta arrives onstage riding a baby elephant, and later he makes a (bogus) appearance with Paul in the controversial new movie Kids.

Dave and Tony switch places for a few minutes; David Schwimmer is reunited with the monkey who played Marcel on Friends; Dave announces that ""Dick Assmania"" has officially swept the eastern seaboard.

During a segment called ""Ask the Mayor,"" someone from the audience asks Rudy Guiliani, ""Is that a real hair piece?"" Also, a half-awake audience member opens himself to the feminine wiles of Sandra Bullock.

George Clarke's ""Quest for Corn"" finds him in Indianapolis with Dave's mom: 5 ears. Later, Nick Turturro and Dennis Franz stand in the green room with their pants down, while Paul and Bruce Hornsby play ""Chopsticks"" on the keyboard.

Dave gives $100 to an audience member after a monologue joke bombs; the show is interrupted for a ""Dick Assman Update""; father and son audience members Jim and JJ McMichael wave from the top of the Empire State Building.

Dave announces that CBS has just been bought by Westinghouse, then spends the rest of the show joking about it.

Dave chats with Mary Ann Dennis, whose dog stopped a man that tried to mug her.

During ""Stupid Pet Tricks,"" a small fish eats a worm whole. Meanwhile, Dave goes into a Westinghouse washer in spin cycle.

The final installment of ""George Clarke's Quest for Corn"" finds our hero at Hello Deli (five ears). Afterwards, George distributes an ear of corn to everyone in the audience.

Dave announces it's ""Christmas in August,"" with Glen Campbell singing a medley of holiday standards at Hello Deli.

Junior Brown sits in with the band; baseball star John Kruk talks about his recent retirement; Dave hectors a man on the street in a game called ""May I Taste Your Dinner, Please?""

The ""Dick Assman Update"" reveals that his popularity has hit fever pitch. Later, Christopher Walken promotes three new movies that are coming out within a month of each other.

Dave shows a ""highlight"" of last night's show: Dan Rather fondling Dave's butt.

In honor of an incident that resulted in a forfeit in the previous night's Dodgers-Cardinals game, audience members throw baseballs at Dave.

All night long, Rupert touches meat and is joined later by Kelsey Grammer, his then-fiancee, and a priest from the audience.

Dave claims that the chairman of Westinghouse has agreed to fight him. Later, Sonny Bono signs to Calvert's upstart record company.

During an interview with Isabella Rosselini, a guy on fire runs around the stage. Later, Bjork and the CBS Orchestra performs ""It's Oh So Quiet.""

Paul is introduced as ""Johnny Lavaggi;"" Dave shows a (doctored) clip of Monica Seles grunting; David Brenner does stand up.

Dave bids a fond farewell to his announcer, while Dick Assman also makes one last appearance.

Dave grills his new announcer, making him do voiceovers throughout the show (including #1 on the top ten list).

Tom Snyder wants everybody to know that he does not hold a grudge with Dave. Meanwhile, Alan Kalter continues to get used to his new surroundings.

Charlton Heston plays ""Dave's Boss"" and bullies him mercilessly. Later, Kevin Pollak promotes ""The Usual Suspects.""

Amongst the ""Items Included in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame:"" Stuff found in ZZ Top's beards, a guitar made of David Crosby's old liver, and Marv Albert's Rock & Roll Bloopers, with Hootie (as in Hootie and the Blowfish) getting hit on the head by a basketball. Meanwhile, in order to prepare for an Olympic diver that will be appearing later, Dave recruits Alan and an audience member to get in a tank.

Wesley Snipes promotes ""Money Train,"" then strips to a dress.

A day after the Emmy Awards, Dave tosses donuts into the audience with the new Donut-A-Pult. Quote Dave: ""Now it's really hard to believe we didn't win an Emmy."" Meanwhile, Biff Henderson recites a passage from the Packwood Diaries.

The Donutapult returns, while Dave brings in a cabbie to write a Top Ten list.

While promoting the movie ""Showgirls,"" star Elizabeth Berkeley gives Dave a lap dance.

Gerard, Rupert, and others discuss what they like about Autumn, while Rush Limbaugh introduces a mini-Donutapult.

During CBS Mailbag, Cyndi Lauper sings ""Lactose Intolerant."" Later, the Donutapult makes one last appearance.

Throughout the show, winners of obscure beauty pageants (including ""Miss Peanut"" and ""Miss South Carolina Tobacco"") walk across the stage and escort tonight's guests.

Dick Assman is still popular in Canada; Newt Gingrich presents the Top Ten list; Thomas Haden Church promotes ""Ned & Stacey""; Dave juggles peaches.

Rudy Guiliani give Dave a key to the city, then takes it back.

Dave gives a three pound ham to an audience member, while ""Friends"" star Courtney Cox launches the ""Donutapult 2000.""

Eddie Jamison (the guy who said ""I Love You, Man!"" in those beer commercials) interrupts the monologue; Doc Severinsen sits in with the band; Mary Tyler Moore accuses Dave of being a brown-noser.

Doc Severinsen is still sitting in; The Delaria Sisters, a group of women who hang by their hair on a pole, demonstrate their skills; Dave chats with a grade-schooler who ran off a burgler.

Dave invites his neighbor Steve over for coffee; Ellen Cleghorne promotes her new sitcom.

13 NYC cab drivers are invited to serve on a mock jury to determine the fate of OJ Simpson. Instead, they're serenaded by Mel Torme.

1995: Uma Thurman joins Geraldo Rivera as the mock jury of cab drivers continues to deliberate, led by foreman Parminder Singh. Dave notes, ""Uma, Parminder; Parminder, Uma.""

Dave introduces ""The Donutapult 2000+,"" which is so big it has to sit out on 53rd Street. Later in the show, it is converted into ""The Melonapult 2000+.""

Amongst the latest ""Back-to-School Items:"" Oreo Cookies with Clearasil Pad Filling, Larry King Ex-Wife Trading Cards, and a Kate Moss Lunchbox. Later, Andy Dick promotes ""Newsradio.""

The cast and crew explains why they're glad the O. J. Simpson trial is over; Julianne Moore promotes ""Safe.""

Pete Fatovich, ""Creepy Dave,"" and Gerard comment on the OJ verdict, while Chazz Palminteri gives an audience member his coat.

Dave's ""younger brother Carl"" sits in on violin; Dave thinks he's on a caffeine buzz.

Dave, Cybill Shepherd, and sports legend Joe Montana throw footballs into cabs on 53rd Street. After repeated attempts, all three find their target at once. Also, Dave announces that tonight's show is in ""actual size.""

Via live remote, Dave asks a customer at a nearby laundromat to take a pair of pants out of the dryer and bring them into the theater for guest Richard Simmons to wear.

Marilyn Horne of the Metropolitan Opera presents the Top Ten; the Rev. Jesse Jackson discusses current events and mentions his son's run for Congress.

During CBS Mailbag, Dave goes sailing with Paul, the models and Bob Denver. Later, William Shatner is beamed out of his seat.

Dave goes to New Jersey to find a date for mailroom employee/superstar extrordinaire Bob Borden. Meanwhile, Paul is missing, so Dave leaves the theater and finds him chatting at a party with Woody Allen.

Dave starts reading the Miranda Rights before realizing he has the wrong index card. He leaves the studio to search for the correct card and finds ""NYPD Blue"" stars Jimmy Smits and Dennis Franz reading the Top Ten List to a captured thug.

Throughout the show, The ""Jimmy Letterman Singers"" sing ""Jimmy."" Later in the show, Dave concedes: ""It sucks, it stinks, it blows; it ain't working.""

Throughout this year's World Series, kid reporter Sparky Mortimer has been making reports from the stadiums in Cleveland and Atlanta. Tonight, he lands a quick interview with Braves owner Ted Turner.

During CBS Mailbag, Paul does a Johnny Carson impression. Later, Dave and Michael Rappaport lather up in order to use the CBS spa.

Dave and Paul recruit a guy named Moe from a delicatessen, and the CBS Orchestra puts together a music video about him. Later, Sparky Mortimer runs the bases at Jacobs Field in Cleveland.

Upon returning to NYC, Dave gives Sparky a pat on the back for a job well done; Casey Kasem introduces Wayne Hazeltine and the Pants Across America Tour; Carol Burnett takes off her skirt.

A pumpkin launcher is demonstrated on 53rd Street, while The Pants Across America tour stops at St. Louis.

Casey Kasem and the Pants Across America tour reports from Mount Rushmore, while up and coming actress Claire Danes introduces one of her favorite bands, UB40.

Carol Channing harasses Dave during CBS Mailbag; the tour hits the Grand Canyon.

Tonight on the ""Pants Across America"" tour, Casey Kasem is in Las Vegas, listening to an Elvis impersonator perform ""Burning Love.""

Television City Studios, Day 2: Danny DeVito and Dave get into the stage pool and have a water fight. Meanwhile, Tony Mendez continues his cameo appearances on TV shows; tonight he's seen in clips from ""Friends"" and ""Grace Under Fire.""

From Los Angeles: Alka Seltzer® is inserted into the backdrop pool; Demi Moore presents ""The Top Ten Least Popular Stripper Names;"" Green Day performs ""86.""

Red Hot Chili Peppers – ""My Friends""

Biff interrupts Dave's opening remarks and asks for water. Out runs NYC marathon winner German Silva with his drink. Later, Bill Murray cooks toast, and Silver runs by again to pick it up.

Dave uses the speaker phone to get someone to bring him pizza. Later, thirty folks show up with boxes, and slices are handed out to the audience. Also, the United States is in the middle of a government shutdown, so Dave calls the Pentagon, misdials, finally gets an answering machine, and hangs up. A stagehand gives him an ax, cuts the phone cord, and hands the phone to an audience member.

Elton John promotes and sings two songs from his latest album, ""Made In England.""

An audience guy holds cue cards in place of Tony (he's sick), while Sean Penn promotes ""Dead Man Walking.""

The Presidents of the United States of America perform their breakthrough hit, ""Toad.""

Dave sends mailroom dude/budding diva Bob Borden to Washington as a White House correspondent.

Dave asks folks on the street (including a poorly disguised Michael J. Fox) what they think of the federal budget crisis; Bob Borden makes his first report from DC.

Amongst what's ""New for the Holidays"": Gingerbread Rats, Howard Stern's book ""Miss America"" read by James Earl Jones, and Kreskin guessing the weight of turkeys. Also, Bob Borden interrogates Larry King.

Dave gives a turkey to a lady in the audience, then takes a turkey to the balcony with the help of a ladder; throughout the night, celebrities mention what they're thankful for; trapeze artists Helen Turkett and Luke Martin perform.

""Soup Nazi"" Ali ""Al"" Yeganeh passes out turkey chili to the audience.

In a sign of future legal trouble, Microsoft owner and multibillionaire Bill Gates tries to fix the Late Show Quiz Machine after it gets stuck displaying the answer ""Windows '95"" in all three boxes. Also, Bob Borden tries with little success to deliver a turkey to President Clinton.

Dave has Paul sit down on the guest chair because it's his birthday. Soon afterwards, the outside cam reveals Dave buying Paul a birthday present from a girl on the street.

Cold Opening: Dave and Creepy Dave go mano a mano in the green room. Also, Dave demonstrates one of the ""Top Ten Changes Westinghouse is Planning for CBS Tonight"" -- he doodles the CBS logo on blank coffee mugs for tonight's guests.

Steve Martin shows up a day early, and Dave can't get him offstage.

After showing a clip from his new movie Father of the Bride, Part 2 on a 16mm film projector, Steve Martin and Dave appear in ""The Making of Steve Martin's Appearance Documentary.""

As a tribute to such beloved recurring segments such as ""The Man Under the Seats"" and ""The Fugitive Guy,"" Chris Elliott stars in a short-lived skit ""Cable Pulling Guy;"" Martin Short helps ""baking madwoman"" Bev Tanner make a cake.

After a video montage of the annual eggnog drinking from increasingly larger bowls, Dave and a model hop into a gigantic bowl of the liquid, later joined by Biff and the Goo Goo Dolls.

CBS President Les Moonves (bogus) takes a moment to comment on Clinton's State of the Union address by singing ""Holding Out for a Hero."" Also, pre-teen sports reporter Sparky Mortimer returns to the show and is given a new assignment- to cover Super Bowl XXX.

Sparky Mortimer makes another amusing -- albeit clumsy -- Super Bowl report; Dave chats with basketball star Reggie Miller.

Dave offers Liz Taylor a riding mower if she'll come on the show; clips from the HBO movie The Late Shift, which Dave calls ""satire;"" The Ramones perform ""She Talks to Rainbows.""

In mock tribute to HBO's ""The Late Shift,"" Dave throws baseballs at an archery target.

Dave mentions that in between show tapings, an audience guy named Anthony sang ""My Way"" from the balcony. During the taping of this episode, however, Dave invites him to sing it onstage. Also, Dave goes over to Black Rock Bar & Grill to swipe a beverage from Dan Rather.

Dave stoically mentions that this will be the last night for the current set, and that it will be remodeled during the NCAA Tournament coverage. To commemorate this, at the end of the show, a couple dozen audience members file by the desk to touch Dave.

As the Ed Sullivan Theater is being renovated, Dave hosts his show from the lobby with only 60 folding chairs set up for the audience. Fire Commissioner Howard Safir oversees the proceedings, while guests Barbara Walters and Halle Berry make their entrances through the theater debris. Dave tells Ray Charles, ""I don't know how to break it to you, but you're in the lobby."" Also, a man-on-the-street segment finds that most New Yorkers are apathetic towards the new set.

After a week of construction, the show's new ""Bridge"" set is unveiled. Dave quickly mentions that he ordered it from a catalog. Martha Stewart honors the occasion by hammering in the last nail. Later, she's seen sanding backstage and, still later, operating a blowtorch.

Dave has an extra joke in the monologue, so he and Tony take it over to Conan O'Brien at NBC. Meanwhile, George Foreman breaks a pinata at Hello Deli, in celebration of the unveiling of Rupert's new ""set.""

Mailbag: Dave goes over to Yankee Stadium and steals home plate. Also, Dave chats with ""Cliff Sussman"" (Jay Johnson), the president of the New Set Fan Club, and No Doubt performs ""Spiderwebs.""

Dana Carvey drops by and receives a piece of the set; The Usual Suspects star Kevin Spacey presents the Top Ten live via satellite; Alan Kalter stars in the new midseason replacement sitcom ""Weird Guy in an Elevator.""

Dave tricks young Oscar® winner Anna Paquin into getting in a magician's box, claiming he was going to show her a trick. Once he had her locked in, he took off her shoes and tickled her feet!Also, Dave challenges Millionaire Basketball Winner Tom Gates: if he makes his shot onstage, Dave will give him $10,000; if he doesn't, he has to host the show. He misses. So does a very un-athletic Mary Tyler Moore. But Paquin hits, and Dave gives her the $10,000 cash.

After Dave promises that the Quiz Machine will never be seen on the show again, he brings out the ""Flagstar 3000,"" a cheap cardboard facade.

Anna Paquin returns to the show two days after the basketball challenge and donates her cash prize to charity. Also, Dave temporarily moves his show to public access, and Laurie Diamond persuades him to return to CBS.

CBS Mailbag: the Quiz Machine is destroyed (at last!) by a cab, while Tony Randall hides under Dave's desk to protect himself from the government.

Dave shows a clip of Marshall Sylver's infomercial, and throughout the night Dave attempts to hypnotize members of the staff. After Dave accidentally puts Biff in a daze, he calls up Sylver to figure out what to do with his entranced stage manager.

After miraculously surviving its attempted demise the previous week, the Quiz Machine is finally destroyed once and for all. Also, ten ballerinas present the Top Ten.

Dave begins a new contest: The town that sends the most valuable gifts will be the new Top Ten Home Office. Two huge glass tanks are displayed onstage, each for the two towns in competition. Tonight, Wahoo, Nebraska (the challenger) sends enchiladas, while Grand Rapids (the incumbent) sends a fax from the Governor of Michigan. Not a good start for Grand Rapids. Also, the outside cam visits Sullivan's Bar & Grill next door, and their bartender comes in the theater to pose for a Polaroid picture.

The Home Office Competition continues: Added to Wahoo's tank is a pizza, a T-shirt, and a birdhouse, while Grand Rapids adds a garment bag; Dave shows another episode of Alan Kalter's mini-sitcom ""Weird Guy in an Elevator""; Luciano Pavarotti and Michael Bolton sing ""Nessun Dorma.""

Dave appears on the Times Square Jumbotron demanding presents; Dave and Fred Nigro go to Jersey to help with taxes, during which Dave recruits a citizen to stand in for him during an audit; Dave plugs his mother's recently-published cookbook.

An audience member assists in the debut of the Slatstar 2000, while Brett Butler presents the Top Ten.

Mia Farrow reveals that she's addicted to the internet. Carly Simon drops by in mid-interview, and later, both sit in with the CBS Orchestra, with Mia on tambourine and Carly on cowbell.

Dave holds an impromptu auction, while Marshall Sylver hypnotizes more Late Show staffers.

Wahoo vs. Grand Rapids, Day 9: Wahoo sends two kids, Jeff and Josh Price, to sit in their glass tank. Grand Rapids loses further ground by sending several non-living items. Also, Alan does various random things throughout the night, including reading his turkey pot pie recipe, speaking in a bad French accent, ripping his shirt open, and holding his breath through a commercial break.

In honor of the recent Sotheby's Auction that featured items once owned by John F. Kennedy, Biff comes stage on Jackie O's (alleged) riding lawnmower; in a pre-taped segment, Dave interviews CBS job applicants, during which he pressures college sophomore Todd Stevens to sing; Nathan Lane appears to show Todd how it's done; Dave leaves the show to have some coffee with a guy named Kenny.

Dorothy drops by to promote the cookbook that Dave's been plugging for the last two weeks, and she cooks him his favorite sandwich.

At the end of the monologue, a guy dressed up as an Olympic runner bolts across the stage, and later he paces around the backdrop. Also, comedian Anthony Clark promotes his new sitcom Boston Common.

Tonight's ""What's On Other Channels"" segment includes ""Condom Testing,"" ""The Mexican Navy's New Battleship,"" and ""Tommy Lee-Pamela Anderson Video.""

Pat Farmer interrupts the monologue by walking in front of the camera; Marv Albert provides color commentary on tonight's CBS Mailbag; two guys spray each other with fuel at a gas station in Queens.

The Home Office Contest is over: Wahoo is now the official home office of the Top Ten List, decimating Grand Rapids from the get-go. Also, Everclear performs ""Heartspark Dollarsign.""

The Late Show begins a week in San Francisco as Mayor Willie Brown interrupts the show throughout the hour by offering Dave the key to the city, a loaf of sourdough bread, and a stick he found in his yard. Also, Paul composes a music video for cable car operator Luis ""Guido"" Montano, with cameos by Los Lobos, Carly Simon, Hootie & the Blowfish and Celine Dion.

Frisco, Day 2: Dave gives a bouquet to a 95-year-old lady in the audience; Dave and football great Joe Montana tour the city, where they end up getting ""friendly"" in Alcatraz; Dave checks on the theater in NYC, and finds Clint Eastwood imitating Dave at his desk.

Frisco, Day 3: Sheila E. and Pete Escovido sit in; Dave shows off the 49ers shower curtain he has in the dressing room; Dave orders Rupert to harass people on the street; Dave invites a shaggy-looking guy in the audience (a professor at Stanford, no less) to take a shower during the show.

From San Francisco: Three audience members receive free hams and souvenir cue cards; Joe Satriani sits in; Dave tells the seals at Fisherman's Wharf to shut up; the San Francisco Giants present the Top Ten; basketballs and melons are rolled down Fillburn Street, the steepest in the city.

Frisco, Day 5: The Alcatraz mock-up in the backdrop is subject to a jailbreak; Dave hangs out with a local hippie, thus introducing the world (not to mention fleeting fame) to one Manny Papp; Dave loses a blue card, and then finds it inside a crab at Fisherman's Wharf; Manny meets his hero, John Popper of Blues Traveler.

Dave quizzes the audience on his week in San Francisco, during which Gene Siskel runs onstage looking for Roger Ebert. Later in the show, he gives up on his search, then relaunches his film review program as ""Siskel and DeForest."" Also, Natalie Merchant sings ""Jealousy.""

Manny the Hippie gives his first live remote from San Francisco, as Dave asks him to give periodic reviews on current movies. Tonight, he reviews Twister, which he personally didn't care for.

Junior Brown sits in, and Dave tries on his very unique hat. Also, a guy dressed up as Ronald McDonald gives Dave the Top Ten, and later he is found lying dead in the street.

During Mailbag, Tony sits in for Dave while Dave sits in for Alan saying ""letter number two,"" which leads into a question about lawn care; comedian Harry Hill tells jokes about Cher, The A-Team, and his grandmother's funeral; Spin Doctors perform ""She Used to Be Mine.""

For no apparent reason, Dave orders Tony to take a taxi; Manny the Hippie presents the Top Ten; a dentist checks out a weird whistling noise coming out of Dave's mouth when he speaks.

Two audience guys go outside to monitor the temperature, and given their meteorological expertise, are ordered to stand next to a giant thermometer.

It's time for a new game called ""May We Turn Your Pants into Shorts?"" Dave is the first to mutilate his slacks, and is followed by Paul, Biff, John Goodman, and Norm MacDonald, who was already wearing shorts.

Dave shows a clip of his favorite moment from last night's show: Biff doing a quadruple take upon seeing Dave's slacks getting cut at the knee; Dave's contact lens fall out, so he wears his glasses for half the show; Brett Butler performs a Stupid Human Trick.

Dave's jacket is stain by coffee, so he throws it into the balcony; an ""unknown guest"" crashes the show; Leslie Nielsen promotes Spy Hard.

Dave and Conan O'Brien get ""Bob Dole Is Old"" jokes from the joke storeroom in the basement of the Ed Sullivan Theater. Also, Dave invites several staffers (including then-intern Stephanie Birkett) to discuss their dreams at a local steakhouse.

Live via satellite in San Francisco, Manny the Hippie reviews the film ""Spy Hard"": ""It's schwiggity schwag!"" Also, ""She Loves Me"" week begins with Martin Short, who performs this song, hanging on to the last note while leaving the theater, grabbing a soda at the Hello Deli, getting a massage, and returning to the theater wearing a terrycloth robe.

Dave invites customers from the Roy Rogers restaurant across the street into the theater to be checked for ticks; Dr. Sam Merrick declares them tick-free. Also, Day 2 of ""She Loves Me,"" tonight performed by Nathan Lane. Like Martin Short the previous night, Nate holds the last note, goes out to Hello Deli for a soda, then to a massage, and back inside the theater with a robe.

Diana Ross performs a variation of the song ""She Loves Me"" called ""He Loves Me,"" and while holding the final note, buys a soda at Hello Deli, gets a massage at a nearby spa, and walks back inside the theater wearing a white robe.

Dave tells a mean fat joke about Roger Ebert, and shortly afterwards the film critic calls Dave a bastard; four singers present the First Annual Late Show Salute to the Word ""Ass""; on Day 4 of ""She Loves Me"" week, Matthew Broderick performs a certain 1950's pop standard, holds the last note, runs through the theater, grabs a soda at the Hello Deli, gets a handbill for a free massage, receives the massage, and returns to the theater wearing a robe, still holding the note.

The final day of celebrity ""She Loves Me"" performances takes place when Rosie O'Donnell sings, holds the last note, runs through the theater, grabs a soda at Hello Deli, gets a handbill for a free massage, receives the massage, and returns to the theater wearing a robe, still holding the same note. Dave follows this flawless presentation with a week-long retrospective.

Biff attempts to learn how to fly; actor/soccer fanatic Andrew Shue introduces footage of him, Elizabeth Shue, and John Shue playing a pick-up game of his sport of choice.

In a piece of videotape footage that ""will disturb and shock you,"" Dave introduces clips of Bill Clinton singing ""Mustang Sally"" and Boris Yeltsin dancing.

Dave fools around with a hot glue gun, while up-and-coming actress Liv Tyler (daughter of Bebe Buell and Steven Tyler) promotes Stealing Beauty.

Kenny Wayne Shepherd sits in; Dave points out that one of tonight's ""CBS Mailbag"" letter-writers is in the audience; during Mailbag, ""Ronald McDonald"" (Leonard) verbally abuses Dave.

Dave bids farewell to one of his longtime staffers; Kelsey Grammer promotes ""Down Periscope""; Manny reviews The Cable Guy: ""Dank.""

Remote: Dave works the drive-thru at a Taco Bell in Jersey. Later, he chats with Lucille Treganowan, 66-year-old grandmother/hot rod guru. (correct synopsis)

Some guy carrying the Olympic torch comes through to interrupt the monologue. Also, Dave recalls a fake Father's Day memory when his son ""Jimmy"" gave him an ashtray. Paul doubts the story, forcing Dave to recall his ""real"" video memory: ""Jimmy"" arriving with pizza. (correct synopsis)

Biff recruits an audience member to get splashed in the face by a speeding taxi going over a puddle. Also, CBS head honcho ""Les Moonves"" discusses the CBS fall lineup, then sings Harry Chapin's ""Cat in the Cradle.""

In response to a CBS Mailbag letter that noticed a likeness between Inky Mendez and Steven Speilberg, Martin Scorsese is seen impersonating Anton Fig.

Dave shows off a tick that has embedded itself into his suit, then shows more footage of him at Taco Bell. (correct synopsis)

Jerry Van Dyke rides onstage on a mule; Luke Perry gives Dave his sideburns; The Fugees perform ""Fu-Gee-La.""

Manny the Hippie reviews Striptease: ""Schwag."" Also, Creepy Dave drops by to ask Michael Keaton about human cloning.

Dave airs his first new July 3rd show since his morning show in 1980. During the ""Rejected FDA Products"" segment, Dave introduces ""Sherwin-Williams Fettucine in Paint."" Later, Jeff Goldblum promotes ""Independence Day"" as Rupert searches the sky for UFOs.

Mujibur and Sirajul stand on the roof, waiting for the fireworks in broad daylight; during Mailbag, ""Neil Diamond"" (Calvert) rouses the crowd with a smokin' rendition of ""America;"" two audience members take an American flag to the Empire State Building; The Brian Setzer Orchestra performs ""Town Without Pity.""

Dave switches places with an audience woman, and later she sits in with the band; Elaine Stritch storms onstage and chews out Dave; Randy Quaid promotes Independence Day.

Dave points out that Paul is the co-musical director for the Olympic closing ceremonies; Biff keeps interrupting Dave; Dave chats with Joanne Ussery, a woman who lives in a renovated Boeing 727.

Manny the Hippie talks about his trip to Roswell, New Mexico, while The Charlie Watts Quintet (featuring Bernard Fowler) performs ""In a Sentimental Mood.""

Dave shows a semi-embarrassing clip of Meg Ryan from her days on ""As The World Turns,"" featuring a ""young"" Paul Shaffer and Will Lee.

Dave tries to find the owner of car whose license plates read ""SO HAPPY,"" and later he shows footage of a Wheel of Fortune contestant screwing up the answer to a puzzle: ""Paul Shatner!""

Dave continues to gloat over the Late Show's (alleged) title as Official Talk Show of the Summer Olympics, with abortive sports commentary by Anton; Laurence Fishburne promotes Fled.

Country legend Marty Stuart sits in, while a disgruntled alien (Gerard) comments on inaccuracies in the movie Independence Day.

Dave discusses in length the show's embarrassment of Emmy riches this year (four nominations); the ""CBS Mailbag"" presents Dave's 10,000th ""Bob Dole is old"" joke; Dave receives another discouraging visit from Fan Club president ""Cliff Sussman"" (Jay Johnson).

Leonard ""The Ronald McDonald Guy"" Tepper joins Rupert for another one of his hidden-mike remotes with Dave. Later, Jackie Joyner-Kersee promotes her new fitness book and upcoming appearance at the Atlanta Games.

Dave welcomes the Gold Medal-winning U.S. Olympic Girl's Gymnastics Team (minus the injured Kerri Strug); during a ""New Products"" segment, Pat Farmer models a t-shirt made from venetian blinds.

Dave announces that the Late Show has its own version of ""The Real World,"" with Paul, Anton and Pat Farmer whining about their personal problems.

During ""CBS Mailbag,"" Secret Service Agents dance the Macarena; Dennis Miller promotes his new HBO talk show; Butthole Surfers perform ""Pepper.""

Dave brings up three girls from the audience, confiscates their gum, and sends them out to goof off in a nearby fountain; the Sex Pistols perform ""Pretty Vacant.""

Dave chats with Yankees pitcher Dwight ""Doc"" Gooden, who threw a no-hitter the night before.

Dave gives a ham to a man in the audience who correctly guessed his weight (158 lbs).

Dave gives a ham to an audience member named Bud Perchinski, who later assumes control of one of the cameras. Later, Flea (from Red Hot Chili Peppers) and Jewel Kilcher perform a duet.

Adam Sandler promotes Happy Gilmore; Yankees pitcher David Cone demonstrates ball-handling techniques.

It's the unofficial Three-Year Anniversary. (The count is 90 morning shows, 1810 Late Nights, and 654 Late Shows.) Dave shows some of his favorite clips, then goes door-to-door in New Jersey with Gene Siskel, Roger Ebert and Richard Simmons.

Dave scrambles to find something to fill the extra 16 minutes of his commerical-free show.

Sanborn's still sitting in; Paul appears in a Bob Dole campaign ad; Tom Hanks promotes ""That Thing You Do!""

It's Biff's 50th birthday, so Dave promotes his new PBS political roundtable chatfest, ""The Henderson Group."" Tonight's panelists: Biff, Dave, Paul, and ""outspoken liberal"" Pat Farmer.

Calvert plays Bob Dole's go-between; The Dave Matthews Band performs ""Crash Into Me.""

Referring to a current TV Guide that pays tribute to Dave's Suit of Alka Seltzer from his NBC days, Rupert Jee stands in a bowl of clam chowder.

1996: Dave shows a tape of Bob Dole blinking in the first presidential debate; Michael J. Fox gets a car for high school graduation (he didn't officially graduate until that Spring); the Kinks' Ray Davies performs ""To the Bone.""

Clint Black sits in; the roof cam reveals campaign workers scuffling outside.

Dave searches for a new anchor for CBS-2 New York, and decides on a girl named Donna Hill. She makes several (bogus) news reports throughout the night.

1996: Three audience girls are given hams; Dave shows a (supposed) clip from tonight's Vice Presidential debate; Dave and Marv Albert point out another audience member who happens to be wearing a neckbrace.

During CBS Mailbag, Calvert appears as ""Derek the Cantankerous Wallaby""; guest George Foreman pulls a truck.

Cindy Crawford walks onstage with heavy eye makeup, and Dave asks where she got her black eyes.

Dave shows a poster that proves that Bob Dole's presidential campaign is doomed: ""For The Love of God, Don't Vote for Tubby."" Also, Calvert reports from the Game 1 of the Braves-Yankees World Series, during which he hugs the mayor of Atlanta.

Dave says goodnight halfway through the show and then leaves. Paul goes to search for Dave but gets distracted playing basketball. Dave is finally found guiding planes on the runway at JFK Airport, so Biff calls him via a courtesy phone and tells him to return.

Dave salutes the 1996 World Champion New York Yankees and welcomes manager Joe Torre.

Dave chats with redeemed Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, while Rupert launches the ""Deli of Terror.""

Bill Murray serves as the show's roving reporter, asking pedestrians outside about the upcoming national election. Also, Dave shows off his new, thinner haircut.

In honor of Halloween, Dave presents ""Biff the Headless Stage Manager""; the problem, though, is that Biff is dressed as a Thanksgiving pilgrim.

""Friday Night on the Road"" begins in Beantown, as Michael Hirsch, aka ""The Bar,"" makes his stunning transformation from dorm geek to BMOC.

NYC Marathon winner Giacomo Leone runs through the set, while Mel Gibson presents ""Top Ten Lines You'll Never Hear Me, Mel Gibson, Say in a Movie.""

It's the day after Election '96, so Dave tells his last ""Bob Dole is old"" joke. Also, Dave fidgets with his unusually long tie, while Calvert conducts exit polls.

During Mailbag, a viewer pleads for no more Dole jokes, so ""Bob Dole"" (Calvert) appears on stage and sings Lionel Richie's ""Say You, Say Me,"" a pop ditty which includes the immortal lines, ""I had a dream; I had an awesome dream.""

Ten noteworthy anchormen appear in the top ten list while Dave chats with recently denied presidential candidate Bob Dole.

It's the official 3rd Anniversary special, with clips and highlights from the past three seasons.

Biff interrupts Dave's monologue ""just to be on TV;"" Kristen Scott Thomas plugs ‘The English Patient.""

Saxaphonist Joshua Redman sits in; Gene Catron performs a trick involving dominoes and a pool ball; Dave gives out candy.

Dave's artificial tooth comes loose, while Ed McMahon imitates Leonard Tepper's impression of the former ""Tonight Show"" sidekick.

From Chicago: Paul meets his long-lost brother Matt Shaffer on ""Jerry Springer"" just as Dave was going to admit to being a transvestite. Also, Dave introduces ten citizens with distinct names for ""Top Ten Our Favorite Illinois Names."" His choice for #1, Springfield resident Minnie Cocke, has her mug displayed on the United Center jumbotron.

Throughout the night, audience members walk onstage to tell jokes.

Dave calls a desk jockey from across the street named Samantha Giafoni, asking for her opinion about Michael Jackson. After calling her, autumn leaves are dumped in her office.

Glenn Close promotes the live-action remake of ""101 Dalmations.""

When Dave gives a ham to an audience guy, he gives him five more when he says it's going to a senior citizens' group. Soon enough, Biff practically gives him the whole store.

Friday Night on the Road finishes in Miami, Florida. It's so hot in the Coconut Grove Playhouse that Dave strips off his suit and hosts the show in his khakis and t-shirt: ""This is exactly what rehearsal looks like.""

A ""News in Review"" segment is translated into Chinese, while Dave accidentally cuts himself while crawling under his desk.

John Popper of Blues Traveler sits in, and later he performs with Dolly Parton.

Thanksgiving and the holidays are the topics du jour in the latest edition of ""Dave Talks to Kids.""

Gerard makes a cameo in the annual ""Thanksgiving Day Quiz,"" while Dorothy bakes cherry and hickory nut pies.

After Dave offers a million dollars claiming that there's no such person named Sivareddy Gotike, whose letter was read on the CBS Mailbag the week before, Sivareddy appears on the show to collect. Dave offers him and his friend Srinivas a hotel room, dinner at Tad's, dinner at the 21 Club, two tickets to ""Cats,"" two tickets to a Jets game, a camera, car service, and dates instead.

Biff gives out hams to the audience during the second-ever appearance of ""Know Your Current Events,"" while Martha Stewart shows Dave how to make a scented wreath.

Dave announces he's #45 on TV Guide's greatest stars list; after interviewing Nicole Kidman, Dave is dyspeptic and demands a roll of Tums®; the roof cam reveals Santa dumping a corpse in a garbage disposal.

Dave calls the corner pay phones, but no one answers. He finally steps outside and tells anyone to pick up the phone. After some guy named Phil answers it, Dave has to scream at him to come inside.

1996: Two merchant marines do push-ups onstage; Dave and Paul reprise the roles of their alter egos, Gator and Skunk; Leonard Tepper performs in the Late Show ""kid's nativity play""; Counting Crows appear for the second night in a row.

Skunk and Gator hang out in the green room; Beavis and Butthead plug their upcoming movie; Paul performs an original holiday number.

Somebody named Matias Paluka is interviewed by Dave, then does a weather forecast.

Tony sits in the audience, while Rupert shows Dave a ""Tickle Me Giuliani"" doll.

Mayor Giuliani shows up to put an apple on the Christmas tree, then gets in on a few pictures with Dave, Paul, and two audience members. Also, hockey great Gordie Howe calls Dave.

During a ""New for Christmas"" segment, Biff is nearly injured by a motorized hula hoop; Neve Campbell promotes ""Scream.""

Dave hugs a male audience member; fake snow falls on the backdrop, then on the audience; Darlene Love (featuring Bette Sussman) continues her holiday tradition of singing ""Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home).""

Midway through Dave's interview with ""Michael"" star John Travolta, the buxom president of John's fan club gets a hug and an autograph.

John Popper of Blues Traveler sits in, while Biff gives dating tips.

Calvert DeForest is live at Times Square as the show is taped hours earlier. Tom Arnold appears again on New Year's Eve, this time without Roseanne.

Calvert DeForest is live at Times Square as the show is taped hours earlier; Tom Arnold appears again on New Year's Eve, this time without Roseanne; Biff gets scissors from Dave to get rid of the Cabbage Patch doll chewing on his ear; Kamarr the Discount Magician tries in vain to impress the audience.

Dave introduces an audience member named Tara to Alec Baldwin; Dave shows a drawing of him in a 70's-era leisure suit; from the hit Broadway revival ""Chicago,"" Bebe Neuwirth and Ann Reinking perform ""And All That Jazz.""

During CBS Mailbag, a viewer asks what Dave did for New Year's. Dave flashes back to a wild night with a bunch of fabulous babes, while Paul brings him back to earth, and Dave flashes back to a night spent at the laundromat drinking Tide.

BB King sits in; Dave accidentally tears up the Top Ten blue card, so he reads the list via teleprompter; Tracey Ullman promotes her new HBO show, ""Tracey Takes On...""

Dave swipes Tony's gum, which he had tried to hide on top of one of the cameras. Also, Rupert of Hello Deli is pitted against Amando of Stage Deli in a little competition called ""The King of Meats."" It was a close battle throughout, but Amando ends up victorious.

Dave fondly looks back at the one-year anniversary of ""El Blizzardo,"" then does a spit take with Windex®. Also, Woody Harrelson plugs hemp products and The People vs. Larry Flint.

Dave sends an audience babe out to get some snow, and throughout the night the show is interrupted by a three-way snowball war between Dave, Inky and Anton.

An audience member celebrating her birthday dances onstage; Inky threatens to throw a rock at Dave; Dave chats with a nine-year-old girl that delivered her baby brother in a stuck elevator; Inky settles his differences and dances with Kim the audience girl.

Dave deems the show to be such a success that he announces the production of four spin-offs, ""Rupert Touches Meat,"" ""Leonard's Candid Camera,"" ""Kenny's Baywatch"" (with the stagehands running in slow motion), and ""Late Show with Carlos Huaycaga.""

It's time for another Late Show experiment: ""Who Will Get Kicked Out of TGIF's Sooner, a Shirtless Guy or a Guy with Ten Dogs?"" Answer: the shirtless guy. Later, Dave instructs Chris from the audience to negotiate with TGIF (where he works), and soon enough, everyone is allowed inside.

Dave shows QVC footage of a Cabbage Patch Bill Clinton doll eating French fries; Actor Chris O'Donnell does a Stupid Human Trick; the drama class from Calhoun High School re-enacts the first half of the show.

Paul shows a clip of his new home video ""The Late Show Made Easy,"" while ""Know Your Cuts of Meat"" makes its debut on ""Know Your Current Events.""

It's an ""All Kevin Spectacular"" as Kevin Kline, Kevin Sorbo, and Kevin Brennan guest on the show. The closing credits on the show include all staffers named Kevin (Kevin Burnett, Kevin Foley, Kevin Gaines, Kevin Mulligan [actually the name of Gerard's son], and so on).

Alan interrupts the monologue to comment on yesterday's Packers-Patriots Super Bowl; an audience member receives Dave's autograph; Calvert reports from New Orleans, where football fans are still celebrating after yesterday's championship.

Biff presides over another segment of ""What They Would Have Had for Lunch If They Were Still Alive."" Tonight, Lorne Greene: ""a BLT."" Also, Tony Williams sits in on drums, while Dave introduces Paul as ""Little Jimmy Dickens.""

Dave calls up an audience guy to meet Tori Amos, but he has to frisk him first.

Dave shows a promo of ""Rupert Jee's Private Parts,"" a spoof of the upcoming Howard Stern movie. Amongst those who participate in this parody are Rupert, Leonard, and ""Paul Shaffer as ‘David Letterman.'""

Dave celebrates a decade and a half in late night television by introducing some of his favorite Stupid Human Tricks. Later, he chats with basketball star Charles Barkley.

In honor of the re-release of the entire Star Wars trilogy, Dave moves his coffee mug with a little help from ""the force""; Billy Bob Thornton promotes his Academy Award-nominated film Sling Blade; the acrobatic Tokyo Stunt Boys bomb in their first (and ultimately only) American television performance.

Flugelhorn great Al Chez sits in with the band, while Leonard appears in a educational film about the First Thanksgiving.

Know Your Current Events: Dave promises an audience participant named Brian (who Dave keeps calling ""Larry"") that if he can kick a field goal outside, he can sit onstage. Brian hits the field goal post at 20 yards and wins his onstage seat.

Mailbag: Paul appears in a commercial for ""Uncle Dave's Non-Alcoholic Gin."" Also, Dave and Green Bay Packers QB Brett Farve throw footballs into cabs, and David Spade promotes his new sitcom, ""Just Shoot Me.""

In a remote featuring Dave talking to various fan club presidents, a swordfight breaks out between the ""Cats"" and ""Star Wars"" fans. Also, Bob Borden professes his love to a disturbed Martha Stewart.

Dave ponders another one of his deep thoughts: ""How Long Can a Guy Spin a Revolving Door Before Somebody Stops Him?"" It takes 40 minutes and 6 seconds before security escorts the man out.

Throughout the night, Biff, Pat and Kenny recreate scenes from Academy Award-nominated films, including ""The English Patient"" and ""Jerry McGuire."" The gag comes to an abrupt end when, while attempting to spoof ""Secrets and Lies,"" they can't find anybody who saw the film.

Dave brags that he had an incredible Valentine's Day last year, until Paul persuades him to admit that he spent it watching TV with an amorous Leonard. Also, the Jazz Passengers (featuring Deborah Harry and Elvis Costello) perform ""Doncha Go 'Way Mad.""

Marv Albert is credited with six seperate appearances tonight, thus raising his total on the show to an even one hundred. Later, Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, promotes her new cookbook.

Two weeks before, NBC denied Dave permission to use clips from his old show. So tonight, Tom Brokaw arrives and offers Dave a crumpled-up videotape from Late Night with David Letterman. Also, Dave shows a faux-documentary short called ""Dave's Family Weekend"" (with Andrea as his sister and Leonard as Mr. Rogers).

The outside cam goes to Joe G's to launch production of the quickie movie ""Space Volcano""; Bruce Willis murders Mujibur and Sirajul; Demi Moore shows up with 15 dogs as a gift for Dave, and later the mutts storm the control room.

Throughout the night, various civilians tell jokes about their jobs, while Dave admits that he has fallen in love with this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

The latest edition of ""Leonard Tepper's Hidden Video"" takes place entirely at Hello Deli, while ""Cosby"" star Doug E. Doug does standup.

Frequent CBS Mailbag contributor Jerry Scales appears in the audience and is given a roast chicken made of Nyquil. Also, Tony Randall talks about becoming a parent for the first time.

On the three-year anniversary of his memorable first appearance on the Late Show, super-bowler Dick Weber rolls one strike after another out on 53rd Street. Later, he and Bill Cosby go one-on-one on the specially-built lane, with Weber decimating the sitcom star.

James Cotton sits in; while pedestrians footrace against each other over on 54th and Broadway.

Leonard Tepper is live at Madison Square Garden, annoying participants at this year's Grammy Awards. He closes the segment by calling Dave a jackass.

Dave shows outtakes of Leonard's Grammy report, and then gets thrown out of a taping of ""Wheel of Fortune"" by a security guard resembling Bill DeLace.

Trumpeter Al Chez sits in; the ""First Annual Biff Henderson Award"" goes to a much-serving Biff; Randy Newman and Lyle Lovett perform ""You've Got a Friend In Me.""

Dave comments on ""El Blizzardo Diablo,"" a raining snowstorm that practically has New York City in a standstill. Also, Dave and Paul participate in a cutthroat battle of putdowns towards each other.

Dave points out that the wet snow of yesterday's ""El Blizzardo Diablo"" has already melted and/or evaporated. Also, Adam Arkin promotes the upcoming made-for-TV movie Not In This Town.

During ""Rejected Commercial Characters,"" jokes are translated for a select audience onstage from English to Japanese.

Bluesman Keb' Mo sits in; Dave and Paul shill a new sleeping enhancer called EclipseQuil; ""pyrotechnic madman"" Ray Wold blows up stuff and somehow avoids burning himself.

CBS Mailbag: Jerry Scales asks, ""What do viewers miss?"" Gerard Mulligan comes out in costume as ""A 50-year-old guy dressed like Zorro."" Also, The Biff Henderson Players present ""Send in the Clones.""

Sean Pelton sits in for Anton, while Howard Stern promotes his new movie.

The camera fixates on a guy in the audience with a gigantic gut with DAVE written on it. Also, Martin Short does another musical number, with a final note so extended that he leaves the stage, goes to the bank, buys a sandwich at Hello Deli, picks up his dry cleaning, and returns to the theater just in time for the big climax.

The Late Show Current Events Singers take on Clinton's recent leg injury, then performs some sort of a cappella apology to Cindy Crawford.

Today's burning question: ""How Many Guys in Bunny Suits Can Get into a Coffee Shop?"" All 23 guys that volunteered get in, and they are later joined by a geeky audience member from Georgia, who is later carried back to the stage by the bunnies.

In honor of his birthday, former president Thomas Jefferson is seen skydiving over the city, followed shortly by William McKinley and Paul Shaffer.

Dave announces that today is Tony Mendez' 60th birthday, even though he's only 52; Dave orders Anton to fetch him some coffee; a man-on-the-street segment dissects tonight's ""Top Ten Easter Bunny Pet Peeves.""

Mailbag: Alan has an announcer sitting in with him, only to realize he's not his intern but his willing replacement. Meanwhile, Academy Award winner Billy Bob Thornton (live via satellite) presents the Top Ten.

Songwriter Jimmy Webb sits in, and throughout the night the band plays his songs; Dave shows a tape of Rob Burnett's daughter being scared to death by Daddy as the Easter Bunny; Dave tells a story about how he spent his Easter with Nadine Hennelly, but as usual Paul coerces him into telling the sad, awful truth.

Dave calls a pay phone on Broadway, and then calls in a guy from Jersey named Rocky to tell the first ""Mets suck"" joke of the season. Also, Biff gives a pep talk to some grade-school students.

A man claiming to be Paul's brother Kenny sits in the audience, while amateur dentist David Kriuthoff fidgets with a special camera that can go inside the mouth.

""Colin Dunner"" (Gerard), the lead dancer in the Broadway hit ""Riverdance"" promotes his new videotape ""Riverdancin' to the Oldies."" Also, Will Lee demonstrates how to play a guitar like a piano.

Mailbag: a man on the street is decapitated by a giant, renegade blue card. Also, Pat Farmer introduces his new segment ""Live Action Editorial Cartoon."" Tonight's piece: ""Busting the Budget.""

Dave says he's discovered he's been combing his hair wrong, so he fidgets with it throughout the show. Also, Zahshu, the ""World's Only Performing Hippo,"" rolls over and begs.

""How Many Guys in a Bunny Suit Can Get Into H&R Block?"" Only two, until both are kicked out. Right after the first commercial break, Biff then tries to get in wearing a dog suit and, despite being escorted by Bill DeLace, is also ejected. When all is said and done, Dave announces the tax company's new slogan: ""And stay out!""

In a running gag that was started two nights before (in homage to something that appeared occasionally on Late Night), Zahshu, ""The World's Only Performing Goldfish,"" develops a severe case of stage fright. At the end of the show, he is removed from his fishbowl and is placed on top of a skateboard.

Champion weightlifter Magnus Vermagnusson lifts various objects, including Mujibur and Sirajul; Dave comments on his upcoming 50th birthday; Zhushi ""The World's Only Performing Dog"" is the latest animal to stand on stage in lieu of attempting some sort of stunt.

Marv Albert interviews accountants, then shows a blooper real along side it; Dave notices that Tony is holding cue cards with gloves on; ""Pat Farmer's Live-Action Political Cartoon"" takes a swipe at President Clinton.

Dave finds a patron named Bob Reedy, in Joe G's Pizza to star in another fake film epic, the Anaconda spoof ""Snakequest 2000."" Quote Dave: ""For the love of god, it's a giant snake!""

Allen Toussant sits in; Dave announces that in honor of the recent media hoopla over Ellen DeGeneres, the Late Show will now be ""more gay""; Wilco performs ""Someone Else's Song.""

Biff announces that if Lyndon Johnson were alive today, he would've had a roast beef sandwich for lunch. Also, The Verve Pipe performs ""The Freshman.""

On a special Indianapolis-themed night on the Late Show, Dorothy interrupts a comedy bit to give Dave a hug, while Reggie Miller presents the Top Ten.

Rupert Jee drops by to make an important announcement: ""America, I am a lesbian."" This inspires Regis to walk over and give him a hug.

Dave shows a clip from the latest Charlie Brown Special: Charlie Brown declares, ""I think I'm a lesbian."" Also, two dorky audience members help wash a cab outside the theater, then get hosed down by the NYFD.

It's ""Awards Night"" on the Late Show, as throughout the night Biff presents Gordie Howe with the Stanley Cup, Walter Payton with the Super Bowl Trophy, Bobby Allison with the Harley J. Earle Trophy, Kareem Abdul Jabbar with the Larry O'Brien Trophy, Alec Baldwin with the World Series Trophy, and Tony Mendez with the Best Cue Card Boy Trophy. Also, Alec announces on the in-theater PA system that he's a lesbian.

Wendy Liebman discusses mammograms, while Luke Perry rappels off the side of the theater.

In honor of tonight's audience (all residents of St. Louis and its suburbs), the backdrop is altered to show the city's skyline; Dave shows live footage of the Mets/Cardinals game in progress at Shea Stadium; Roseanne arrives for her interview on a Clydesdale-driven sleigh.

Dave dumps the show early yet again, and after searching high and low in Manhattan, Biff finally finds him demonstrating knife tricks at Benihana's.

""How Many Guys in Bunny Suits Can Get into a Fountain?"" Only about six, as the men in costume are thrown out of Central Park by the NYPD. After the first commercial break, John Goodman lunges into the fountain. Also, Hanson performs ""MmmBop.""

Tony Mendez does the Watusi; Biff announces that if Burt Lancaster were alive today, he would've had cream of mushroom soup and a tuna fish sandwich for lunch; stuntmen Ross and Elisa Hartzell shoot crossbow arrows at each other.

Rupert stars in a parody of those financial-success tapes that they sell in infomercials, while Kirsten Johnston promotes the 3-D season finale of Third Rock from the Sun.

With tonight's audience being from the Twin Cities, Dave makes them feel at home by having a faux snow fall in the theater. Also, the Top Ten home office is temporarily relocated to nearby Edina, Minnesota (and is presented by Twins great Kirby Puckett), while Calvert takes a tour of Minneapolis.

Tonight, Dave promises to show things that have never been on television before, including Marv Albert dancing with a giant squirrel, a gay man kissing a lesbian, and Biff playing solitaire topless. Also, Grover Washington, Jr. sits in, while Dave and Rupert do another one of their hidden-mic gags.

Dancers from Riverdance make a return appearance on the show. Actually, they're staff writers Gerard Mulligan and Eric Kaplan, Leonard Tepper, and financial wiz/Dave buddy Jim Peterson. Soon after, Robin Williams walks in from Broadway in a similar toe-tappin' style.

In honor of Late Show's 800th episode, Dave introduces ""Where Are They Now?"" pieces describing the whereabouts of Bernie Kopell, Howie Mandel, Olivia Newton-John, and Bill Clinton. Also, the Spice Girls perform ""Who Do You Think You Are.""

Late Show airs its second and last installment of Peanuts, as Lucy once again foils Charlie Brown's attempt to kick a football: ""Never mess around with a gangsta bitch.""

With tonight's audience representing Denver, Colorado, Dave interrupts the monologue to introduce an audience guy who ends up proposing to his girlfriend. Later in the show, Jeff Goldblum gives the happy couple a blender.

Biff brings out a Billy goat that supposedly won the Kentucky Derby last weekend; Dave leaves the show to play for the New York Yankees, then goes on a half-hearted tirade when he's cut by the team; ""Leonard Tepper's Mile-High Hidden Video"" observes unsuspecting tourists at the World Trade Center.

After showing past clips of disastrous attempts at stuffing guys in rabbit outfits inside various locales, Dave announces that it's time to play ""How Many Sailors Can Get into a New York City Chicken Restaurant?"" With the nearby Ranch 1 offering their services, a whopping 68 sailors walk in without a problem. Also, Dave chats with Ida Doggett, 1997 world bed-making champion.

It's time yet again for ""What They Would Have for Lunch if They Were Alive Today"" with Biff Henderson. The celebrity: Dean Martin. The lunch: mac n' cheese.

""Steven Spielberg"" (Gerard) brags out his new movie The Lost World, while Savion Glover performs a tap dance solo from the hit musical ""Stomp.""

Mailbag: a horrific freak accident turns Rupert into the mysterious ""Dr. Meat."" Also, Jason Alexander promotes Love! Valour! Compassion!

Remote on the 14th Floor: Late Show staffers Eric Stangel, Matt Roberts, Bob Borden, Rodney Munoz, Christian Breheney, and Eric Kaplan relate their Prom Nightmares while eating in the coffee room, with dramatizations that include Rupert Jee and Richard Simmons.

Customer Bob Barrett from Joe's Pizza is invited into the theater to act in the monster movie spectacular ""Ghost Dinosaur '97,"" co-starring Mujibur and Sirajul as ""Dinosaur #1"" and ""Dinosaur #2.""

The squash family is represented tonight by a visit from Elaine Cunningham, ""The Zucchini Lady""; Bill Cosby talks about his various medications.

Promoting an upcoming TV special, Farrah Fawcett walks out in a boozy daze, complimenting Dave for the view of the skyline when it's really a backdrop, then crawls around and makes animal noises. At the end of the show, Dave thanks Farrah for ""almost being here tonight.""

Biff reports from the NBA Finals in Salt Lake City; Dave makes his usual joke about buying his first car at Harrison Ford in Indiana; Dave Matthews Band performs ""Too Much.""

Dave shows an altered clip of President Clinton admitting his dislike for cloning, and later Dave is once again visited by ""the lovely Is-a-bella Ros-sell-ini.""

Dave turns the hose on pedestrians outside the theater; Jaleel ""Urkel"" White helps ""Les Moonves"" promote CBS' fall lineup; Seven Mary Three performs ""Lucky.""

Tom Brokaw explains why he turned down an offer to leave NBC for CNN: ""Same as you with CBS: more money, smaller audience."" Also, Sheryl Crow performs ""A Change (Will Do You Good).""

Mailbag: ""Farrah Fawcett"" (Calvert) explains her behavior from last week. Also, Kenny ""The Quick-Witted Stagehand"" Sheehan makes his 1000th TV appearance, which is followed by footage of his (bogus) television debut on Ed Sullivan in 1964.

Paul is introduced as ""Radu,"" then shows Dave a Happy Meal toy that looks just like him. Also, Dave hides in an apartment, harassing delivery people as they come and go.

A new challenge: ""Who Can Hail a Cab First""- a pantsless Mets fan or a pantless Yankees fan? For once, the Mets win the big one.

Dave gives an audience woman a ham just for being Polish; several members of the cast of Cats go inside FlashDancers; Alan Kalter promotes ""Late Show: The Game""; The Mighty Mighty Bosstones perform ""The Impression That I Get.""

Julia Roberts is treated to a clip of her first appearance on Letterman from 1990, only to watch the clip blackened out by NBC. Also, Jon Bon Jovi performs ""Janie, Don't Take Your Love to Town.""

""Riverdancers"" Gerry Mulligan, Mike McIntee, Eric Kaplan, and Jim Peterson amaze and delight the studio audience and the home viewers in response to a letter in the CBS Mailbag.

Anton is introduced as ""Anton Zip""; Dave shows the audience a chart of who's permitted to be on the show and who isn't; in tonight's remote, Dave goes to a private school in Manhattan to chat with child prodigies.

The outside cam heads to Joe G's looking for a guy to write a theme song for, where they stumble across Brian and his girlfriend. Also, Dave takes the audience outside to watch Motley Crue perform on the sidewalk.

It's 91 degrees outside, so Biff decides to watch ice melt on the street.

A flying saucer heckles Dave from the backdrop, while Dyan Cannon promotes Out to Sea and makes friendly with Dave.

Dave declares a guy named Jeff as ""Captain of the Audience,"" helping the host out with menial tasks such as helping present the Top Ten and keeping the audience awake. Also, film director Robert Zemeckis makes a rare television appearance, promoting his new movie Contact.

Bowling great Dick Weber sits in with the band; Calvert kicks someone in the nether regions for the shear fun of it; Dave and Paul trade faces.

Dave gets two girls at a nearby cafe to help celebrate Canada Day with Canada Dry®, which gets delivered by a Mountie; to continue a running gag started the previous night, bowler Johnny Petraglia sits in; various staffers describe clips from America's Funniest Home Videos.

During the ""Supermarket Finds"" segment, Dave takes a sample of something called ""White Fungus"" and spits it out; another bowling great (Marshall Holman) sits in with the band on tambourine; Dave chats with Mitchell Libonati, the man who found the piece of Evander Holyfield's ear that was chewed off in the infamous boxing match that previous weekend; Blur performs ""Song 2.""

Dave talks about the a new unauthorized autobiography of Martha Stewart; tonight's guest bowler is Hall of Famer Carmen Salvino; Dave appears in a 50's-style cigarette ad; Evander Holyfield gives Dave his account of the incident that occurred in his fight last weekend with Mike Tyson.

Pro bowler Nelson Burton, Jr. sits in; during Mailbag, Tom Arnold bits his own ear off; Manny the Hippie resurfaces; for the second year in a row, Dave sends audience members from San Francisco to the Empire State Building to display the US flag.

Dave shows off his new, shorter haircut; an audience member sings the theme song from Grease; Tim Allen presents the Top Ten.

It's a balmy 97 degrees outside, so Biff fries an egg on the sidewalk, later adding bacon and toast.

Dave interviews NYC taxi driver Querbe Tirmizi, who returned $30,000 he found in his cab.

Dave begins a month-long campaign to run into the ground his current favorite phrase: ""Something from the meat case, Linda?"" Also, Dave, Tony Randall, and a dozen or so triple-named child actors star in CBS' hot new situation comedy ""The Letterman Family.""

Dave congratulates Paul on being #6 on the Forbes 500; Biff and Eric Kaplan explain how they make Dave's coffee mug levitate; Sean ""Puff Daddy"" Combs, Faith Evans, and 112 perform ""It's All About the Benjamins.""

It's time once again for ""King of the Meats,"" the mano-a-mano kosher competition between Rupert of Hello Deli and Amando Vasquez of the nearby Stage Deli. Amando sweeps the three rounds, but Rupert goes home with the ladies.

Harrison Ford reports from Hawaii; in the debut edition of ""Pointless Celebrity Cameo Theater,"" Calvert, Regis, and Tony Randall stand around like goons while the audience cheers them on; Radish (a band fronted by an early Ben Kweller) perform ""Little Pink Stars.""

The Harrison Ford World Tour (in which he's promoting The Devil's Own) makes a stop in Paris, France; Dave suggests the Paul legally change his name to ""Radu""; CBS anchorman/folkie at heart Dan Rather sings ""The Wabash Cannonball.""

During ""CBS Mailbag,"" we look into a day in the life of a ""Accident-Prone Blood-Gorged Tick"" (Leonard Tepper).

It's so hot outside that Biff tries to start a fire on the sidewalk with a magnifying glass and a bundle of sticks, as members from New York's Fire Department stand by; Rupert and Leonard bother people per Dave's requests; Jennifer Aniston promotes Picture Perfect.

Dave gets four galpals from West Virginia to go on a tour of the city with Biff; Physilla Rashad promotes her sitcom Cosby; Jamiroquai performs the #1 hit ""Virtual Insanity.""

Dave congratulates Rob Burnett upon the birth of his daughter; a ""What's On Other Channels"" bit is interrupted by a car honking, courtesy of Creepy Dave; David Byrne performs ""Daddy Go Down.""

John Popper sits in with the band; Dave asks a paramedic about a piece of carrot he ""horked"" into his left lung during lunch today; Julia Roberts promotes Conspiracy Theory.

Dave shows some ""Surprising Facts About Celebrities."" Later, Tony Danza promotes his new sitcom.

Dave presents a Wall Street quiz; Bob Dole talks about retirement.

Deliberately-obvious stunt doubles pose as Dave and Paul showing off their bike skills, while Dave carves a sculpture of Paul made from butter; a man claiming to be Garth Brooks is interrogated on ""The Biff Henderson Celebrity Telephone Interview.""

Jay Thomas shows Dave a tape of himself spitting out something during a recent television appearance. The footage is repeated several times.

Joe Perry of Aerosmith sits in with the band; Biff reports from the Garth Brooks concert in Central Park and meets ""Garth"" himself (Leonard Tepper).

The new sitcom ""The Letterman Family"" is promoted, starring Dave, Tony Randall, and Nadine Hennally. Later, Demi Moore shaves an audience member's head.

Dave feeds Tom Selleck some avocados. Later, they make a crank phone call to Al Roker.

Barbara Walters promotes her new talk show, ""The View.""

Dave compares President Clinton's 51st birthday to meatloaf. Later, he chats with his old friend Jeff Altman.

""The Donald"" talks about a recent boat trip. Later, Janine Turner promotes ""Leave It To Beaver.""

Alicia Silverstone promotes her new movie Excess Baggage.

Dave announces that he is starring in the ""Late Show of Passion,"" which is just like the Late Show, except that it's dubbed so it looks like a telenovela. Later, Dave and Joe Montana throw footballs at a garbage truck.

Tonight's Top Ten is interrupted by a phone call from the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska: ""It's not all that funny anymore."" Meanwhile, Biff wreaks havoc in Martha's Vineyard.

Dave complains about the dog days of summer.

Warren is run over by a car; during ""Stupid Human Tricks,"" Douglas Pierce plays the ""Jeopardy"" theme on his hands; Dave bids a fond farewell to head writer Bill Scheft.

Dave shows highlights from the annual Labor Day staff cookout on 53rd Street; Terry Bradshaw and stagehand Corky Ramirez both inexplicably break into song.

Warren is caught watching tennis on TV; Dave harasses teen talk show host John Hall; Beck performs ""Devil's Haircut.""

Viewers at home receive the rare opportunity to see the new audience orientation tape (starring Leonard Tepper). Later, Fiona Apple performs ""Criminal.""

On Warren's last night filling in for Paul, he receives a ""Deputy of Comedy"" badge. Later, Sugar Ray performs ""Fly.""

Paul returns from filming ""Blues Brothers 2000"" with a shaved head. Meanwhile, Dave, Biff, Regis, Al Roker, and Bob Barker harass people in Central Park.

Dave calls the pay phone island outside so that an unsuspecting tourist could participate in a comedy skit. When nobody picks up a phone, Dave goes on the street and invites a guy from Vermont to perform a musical number with Tony Randall.

Dave is so fascinated by Paul's shaved head (introduced last night) that he has to talk about it at the beginning of the show.

Paul writes a song for a trucker who participated in ""Know Your Current Events,"" while Dave chats with WNBA MVP Cynthia Cooper.

Dave chats with CBS star ""Steve Urkel"" (Gerard), while Star Jones plugs ""The View.""

Dave listens to the philosophies of second-graders in ""Dave Talks to Kids""; George Clooney promotes ""The Peacemaker.""

Biff delivers a housewarming gift to a Hooters franchise that just opened, and they send back buffalo wings. Later, an NBC nurse tends to Nicole Kidman's cold.

Dave discusses aerosol cheese with last minute guest Chef Michael Lomonaco who says, ""It's great when you're driving, actually. You get a little squirt when you're driving.""

Richard Simmons interupts ""Know Your Current Events""; Drew Carey presents ""Top Ten Signs You Work in a Bad Office""; 7-year-old Jonathan Lipnicki promotes his new sitcom, ""Meego.""

In a return to the popular theme nights of yore, the entire LATE SHOW audience consists of freshmen from NYU. During the show, Candice Bergen presents a special college-themed Top Ten list.

Dave shows some of his favorite remotes, segments, and comedy clips from the first four years of ""The Late Show.""

Bob Borden finally gets to meet Jaleel ""Urkel"" White, while Paul composes a musical number about pastries that resemble celebrities.

Dave gives a local named Tom Worzall ten seconds of air time, then chats with Wonderbra model Sarah O'Hare.

Cameron Diaz promotes ""A Life Less Ordinary,"" while the famed contortionist Veniamin does a demonstration.

Dave comments on the Yankees playoff chances, then chats with new ""Today"" co-host Matt Lauer.

Dave shows (bogus) NASA footage of Mir; the Dutch Mariachis sing ""Happy Birthday"" to Biff.

Dave and Paul visit the ""International Hair Forum""; Dan Aykroyd promotes ""Soul Man"" and plays the harmonica.

Joe G. stars in the new crime drama ""Joey Ventura,"" and clips from the show are scattered throughout the night; Dave gives Paul crap for bumping into a cameraman; Bryant Gumbel promotes his soon-to-debut news program.

Dave watches leaves turn and nails dry, and an audience member's receives and smokes his first cigar.

Throughout the night, Leonard plugs his new show, ""Leonard Tepper's Hidden Video."" Later, Jim Belushi promotes ""Total Security.""

""Dr."" Bill DeLace comments on seasonal allergies; Mark Wahlberg promotes ""Boogie Nights.""

1997: Stagehand and accomplished thespian Kenny Sheehan is seen in clips from ""The Today Show,"" ""Guiding Light,"" ""Cosby,"" ""The People's Court,"" and ""Spin City.""

After Dave shows clips of past bunny antics, the Late Show presents ""How Many Guys in Bunny Suits Can Get in the Times Square Disney Store?"" The answer: Three. Later, Stevie Starr shows Dave the magic of forcing yourself to regurgitate.

Paul introduces this year's National League champions, the Atlanta Braves, until Dave tells him that the Florida Marlins actually won. Later, Carly Simon and Jimmy Webb perform a duet.

Dave presents ""The Story Behind the Story: The Rolling Stones,"" which looks at the dramatic and emotionally draining production of a ""Behind the Music""-type show.

WCBS-TV presents a skit about a pancake that looks like Paul. Later, Robert Pastorelli promotes his new drama ""Cracker.""

Dave shows (bogus) footage of businessmen jumping out of windows on Wall Street; we take a look at ""What Dave Did with the Extra Hour from Standard Time""; Mariah Carey sings ""Butterfly.""

Following yesterday's sell-off on Wall Street, Dave shows footage of deceased stockbrokers ascending back through windows after today's market recovery. Later, Penn and Teller perform a new trick.

Biff plays ""Let's Scare the Crap Out of Rupert Jee,"" while Dave interviews Bobby Bonilla of the World Series Champion Florida Marlins.

Lee Marek helps Dave out with a sextet of Kid Scientists.

In honor of the new movie ""Boogie Nights,"" Dave shows bogus clips of Paul and Nadine Hennelly in 70's-era porno films. Meanwhile, Tony impresses Dave with his clown costume.

Dave shows a picture of production associate Tara Callahan, who ran in the New York Marathon; John Travolta plugs Face-Off; Martin Short appears for exactly thirty seconds.

1997: We go to Joe G.'s in search of a political candidate, and we find an unsuspecting patron named Lee Holt. Later in the show, Lee becomes the subject of a hastily-produced attack ad.

Dave, Paul, Alan, Calvert, and Anton (as ""Buddy"") star in ""Late Show: The Movie."" Also, Rudy Guiliani (poorly) disguises himself as a audience member in the latest edition of ""Who Asked For It?""

Dave shows a fake ad for a PBS documentary about the band KISS. Later, a lady in the audience who Dave accidentally threw a blue card near is now wearing a cervical collar.

Casey Kasem introduces the ""Late Show Chair of Mystery."" Also, BB King and Tracy Chapman perform a soulful duet.

""Master Mentalist"" Pat Farmer does a demonstration on Kenny Sheehan; singer-restaurateur Naomi Judd cooks a family recipe for Dave.

Dave makes a bad phone call for an audience member, then comments on Marv Albert's legal troubles.

The greatest six minutes in Late Show history: When the Top Ten card is missing, Dave runs out of the theater, is hit by a cab, runs into Al Roker, and goes into Flashdancers and takes the card off one of the strippers. Shortly afterwards, Paul, missing his sheet music for the Top Ten, runs out of the theater, is hit by a tour bus, runs into Regis Philbin, and goes into the NY Stock Exchange, where he finds his sheet music on the floor. Just as Dave begins the Top Ten, Biff is missing his headset, so he runs out of the theater, is hit by a police horse, runs into Gavin MacLeod, and goes into a Burger King to grab a headset off a sales clerk. When he finally returns, there is no time left for the Top Ten.

Live from the Edwards Air Force Base, Bruce Willis and Billy Bob Thornton race to earn the title of ""World's Fastest Movie Star."" Also, Bill Murray plugs ""The Man Who Knew Too Little.""

During Mailbag, Gerard performs a Broadway-style number about the possibility of him getting fired. Also, Heather Graham plugs ""Boogie Nights.""

Dave plugs the new CD ""Live on Letterman,"" then goes door-to-door offering to rake leaves.

It's another ""Quarterback Challenge"" as Pittsburgh Steelers field general Kordell Stewart and Dave aim footballs at a water tower across the street from the Ed Sullivan Theater.

Dave (supposedly) calls the Butterball Turkey Handling Hotline, while two mailmen (Leonard and Gerard) present a U.S. Post Office-sanctioned message about on-the-job safety.

Tony Mendez interrupts Dave, pointing out that he's missing a cue card. It turns out it was with Tony Randall all along.

Dave shows a (bogus) ad for a Clinton phone sex hotline, while Kirstie Alley plugs ""Veronica's Closet.""

Paul leaves the show to hosts his own spinoff chatfest; comedian Bill Irwin; the cast of ""Stomp"" performs.

Dave brings in cab driver Carlos Andrede, who becomes the master of ceremonies in the hastily-produced ""Carlos Andrede Thanksgiving Day Parade,"" featuring performances from Miss New York 1998 and the Rutgers University Marching Band.

A high school marching band from Memphis storms through the audience after ""Know Your Current Events.""

It's time for another call to Dave's mom to play ""Guess the Pies""; tonight, she's baked coconut butterscotch pecan pie and cherry pie as well as a sculpted head of Dave made of stuffing. Also, George Clarke starts singing to the new live CD.

During Mailbag, Dave bags groceries. Also, in spoof of those high-related FOX specials, Dave and Paul reveal one of the magician's secrets.

Grover Washington, Jr. sits in; Dave shows a Sing and Snore Ernie that he bought yesterday, and it's head tragically comes off with blood gushing out; Dave and Heisman Trophy candidate Peyton Manning go one-on-one in the latest Late Show QB Challenge.

The outside cam reveals Buddy (Bill Clinton's dog) trying to get inside Hooters. Also, Nathan Lane sings a brief song about Hanukkah.

During Mailbag, Dave and Paul give birth to septuplets. Also, child actor Alex D. Linz plugs ""Home Alone 3.""

Dave and Tony go to Giants Stadium so Tony can be a kicker, with a little help from Giants coach Jim Fassel, plus kickers Brad Daluiso and Danny Kanell; a man claiming to be the new president of Iran promotes the ""Live on Letterman"" CD; Tyra Banks shows Dave her $3 million bra.

A plastic Statue of Liberty, a giant meatball, and a pile of bagels are placed on top of the Late Show Christmas Tree. Later in the show, a preacher in the audience puts sauce on the meatball.

Dave annoys Paul with his impersonation of John Wayne speaking French: ""Bonjour, mon ami.""

Dave shows a (bogus) clip of him as a 50's-era child actor, while Biff receives Foster's Lager ® from an Australian audience member.

""James Bond"" (Tom Manino) comes up from the audience at Dave's insistance. Later in the show, Pierce Bronson and his doppleganger go one-on-one. Also, Paul wears his christmas present from Dave: a Jerry Springer-style wig.

In honor of the week's top-grossing film, Titanic, the stage floods with water. Also, Rupert introduces ""Rudolph, the Littlest Reindeer.""

It's ""Holiday Tradition Night"" on the Late Show: Another Darlene Love/Bette Sussman performance of ""Christmas (Baby Please Come Home),"" along with another Paul Shaffer impression of Cher's ""O Holy Night,"" not to mention another Late Show QB Challenge with Jay Thomas. Also, Biff goes to Queens to look for Santa.

During Mailbag, ""The Biff Henderson Celebrity Telephone Interview"" interrogates a man claiming to be Dick Clark. Later in the show, during Dave's interview with Anne Heche, Ellen Degeneres walks onstage with ""their"" baby (actually Michelle O'Callaghan's).

David Sanborn sits in; Ms. Markey's kindergarten kids in Bowie, MD each write an essay titled ""If I Could Have One Wish""; Bridget Fonda promotes ""Jackie Brown.""

Dave talks about his plans for New Year's.

Like he does every year, Dave regales us with another one of his far-fetched New Year's stories. After Leon Pendarvis brings him down to earth, Dave confesses that he and Biff celebrated by photocopying their face at Kinko's.

Leon's still here; a customer from Joe G's stars in the quickie movie ""Titanic: Death Boat ‘98""; the outside-cam reveals radioactive steam coming out of the Chrysler Building.

Recently deposed ""Weekend Update"" anchorman Norm MacDonald vents his anger to Dave; daredevil dance group Streb performs.

Marc Anthony and the Broadway cast members perform a song from Paul Simon's new musical ""The Capeman.""

CBS Mailbag: Chris Schmitt of Ottawa, Kansas asks why Biff has a scowl on his face. Biff comes onstage as a lobster is hooked on his backside. Later, Dave explains the formula for comedy success: ""Lobster + Ass = Funny!""

Mick Fleetwood sits in, and later he plays drums for tonight's musical guests, fellow Fleetwood Mac members Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham.

Mick Fleetwood sits in again, now joined by pianist Allen Toussaint. Also, tonight's ""May We See Your Photos, Please?"" is a surprising disappointment, as there was only one customer, and he was dropping off a roll of film.

""Dave Sucks"" is spray-painted onto the World Trade Center, while ""The Masked Magician"" (Pat Farmer) performs a dangerous trick on Kenny Sheehan.

Biff has hot towels for the audience, while the Spice Girls perform ""Stop.""

Mailbag: Biff stars in the Swedish sitcom knockoff ""Mjørk and Minde."" Also, famed session keyboardist Chuck Leavell sits in.

Dave finds three girls in the audience that have never slept with President Clinton; Bob Borden covers the Super Bowl, so Dave implies that Sparky Mortimer can actually get some studying done this year; for one night only, the Top Ten Office moves to Worchester, Pennsylvania; Dave chats with the Newsweek reporter that broke the Monica Lewinsky scandal.

Dave brings out his top intern Duane, who might be a Chippendale dancer on the side. Also, Dave complains about Late Show knockoffs and shows as an example ""The Simon Harvey Show"" from Australia. The host: Tony Randall.

John Popper sits in; Dave does the first of his many all-Clinton monologues.

Ruth Brown sits in, while Dave makes crepes with child cooking prodigy Justin Miller.

Paul performs a song promoting Tom Selleck's appearance next week, while Dave and Merrill Markoe pretend to flirt.

Throughout the week, guitarist Mike Campbell fills in for Felicia, who has the flu; Dave mentions that yesterday was the sixteenth anniversary of the debut of Late Night; Tom Arnold promotes his struggling, self-titled WB sitcom.

Anton introduced as Prince Randusi of Senegal; Mike Campbell is still here; ten interns present the Top Ten; John Goodman shows a clip of him jumping into a fountain pool.

Dan Aykroyd promotes Blues Brothers 2000, which, might I add, co-stars Paul Shaffer. Also, Duncan Sheik performs ""Everyone, Everywhere.""

Dave chats Pam Amba and ""Honeymoon,"" the pig that saved her life.

It's the opening of the Winter Olympics, so Dave announces miniature Ski-Jumping Dogs in the backdrop. Also, live via satellite, Dave chats with his mom in Nagano, Japan.

Throughout the night, ski-jumping dogs perform in the backdrop; Felicia returns; Dorothy Letterman makes her first report from Nagano.

Remote: Dave goes door-to-door in New Jersey again, this time to ask about the Winter Olympics. Also, to promote their new film, the reunited Blues Brothers Band (including Paul, Dan Aykroyd, John Goodman, and a twelve-year-old boy) perform ""Sweet Home Chicago.""

Jonny ""Big Air"" Moseley, Gold-medal winner for Mogul Skiing, shows off the large pieces of whitebread being served to the American Olympians.

While playing ""Know Your Current Events,"" a soon-to-be unemployed stewardess for United Airlines tells Dave, ""Passengers are our worst enemy."" Also, ten US Olympic hockey players present the Top Ten, while Dorothy interviews Kristi Yamaguchi, Jim Nantz, and K. C. Boutiette.

Live via satellite, it's Dave's mom at the Winter Olympics in Nagano, Japan, where she introduces a skiing monkey. She also presents the Top Ten.

Live via satellite in Nagano, Japan: Dorothy's feeling under the weather, Biff and his wife Carolyn chat with Winter Olympic athletes. Also, Tony shows us a cue card supposedly burned in an office fire that weekend, while Dale Earnhardt, Sr. presents the Top Ten.

Mike Myers chats with (live via satellite) his mother, while Dorothy interrogates Picabo Street.

Regis, Paul, Mujibur and Sirajul help Dave learn how to skate a la Kristi Yamiguchi, while Dave and Jerry Foley observe and interview ""Future Olympic Hopefuls.""

Almost halfway into the show, Dave suddenly leaves and gets into a cab that drives to Mexico, then San Francisco. Dave then boats across the Pacific, stops in Japan and sweeps the ice during an Olympic Curling competition in Nagano. Also in Nagano, Dorothy stumbles upon Bob Dole, while Biff searches for celebrity look-alikes.

In ""Day in New York City with Olympic Judges,"" the one female judge gives Dave's performance in bed a 2.8; during Stupid Pet Tricks, Biff demonstrates a trick he learned in Nagano; throughout the night, Jonny Moseley ski-jumps outside the theater on 53rd Street.

Paul Newman drops by to annoy Dave; outtakes from last week's ""Olympic Hopefuls"" piece are shown; Dave persuades a less-than-homesick Dorothy to go back to Indianapolis.

Dave points out that Rob Burnett made a cameo on last night's episode of Cosby; the editors of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue reveal that most of the photo shoot was done at the White House; Dave chats with Cammi Granato and Sarah Tueting of the gold medal-winning US women's hockey team.

David ""Fathead"" Newman sits in on sax; Bob Borden reports from the Grammys; Dave shows an ad for ""Saddam's Beret Bazaar.""

As usual, Dave cheats in his annual competition with the World Grocery Bagging Champion. This years' sucker: Frank Urbancic. Also, Dave shows a (bogus) clip of President Clinton skiing, then shows a preview of the upcoming CBS special ""Pat Farmer: Master Escape Artist"" (co-starring Kenny Sheehan).

In the latest ""Kid Scientists"" segment, Lee Marek and his prodigies demonstrate the concept of heat. Also, Richie Sambora performs ""All That Really Matters.""

Biff's latest celebrity interview involves a fat, bald guy claiming to be Leonardo DiCaprio.

Gerard hosts ""The Making of the Top Ten,"" a short documentary that reveals more about the writers' animosity towards Dave than the comedy bit that's being profiled. Also, Mark Chesnutt sings ""Useless.""

Mailbag: Dave and his bodyguard (Bill DeLace) have a falling out. Also, Dave chats with 12-year-old inventor/entrepreneur Richie Stachowski, creator of Water Talkies.

Dave wears glasses for the duration of the show (a sign of things to come); Sean Pelton fills in for Anton, whom Dave dubs ""Anton Zippy Stickwork;"" Wilford Brimley sits in ""Paul Shaffer's Chair of Mystery;"" Formula One racing star Alex Zanardi cooks.

It looks at first like the studio is being filled with green beer, but it turns out that one of the camera lenses have been tinted; ""Leonardo DiCaprio"" (Gerard) gloats over his newfound stardom; Dave chats with child actor Jack Johnson.

Dave shows a (bogus) ad for British Airways that is bursting with disclaimers; Laurie Diamond milks a cow backstage; another edition of ""Please Stop Calling Me Chief"" provides entertainment only to Dave; Charles Grodin acts remarkably hostile during his interview.

Biff hangs with the New York Yankees during Spring Training, while everybody in the audience gets free tickets to fly on British Airways.

Paul is introduced as ""Ramone Conde""; Dave introduces Mishi, the world record holder for smallest man alive, and later Mishi holds a kitty to demonstrate his miniscule size on camera; Helen Hunt (live via satellite) presents the Top Ten.

Paul is introduced as Al Roker; throughout the night, Pat Farmer throws basketballs from the roof and into a bathtub on 53rd Street; Dave complains that the balls are ""fruity""; Dave chats with a man who found $70,000 in a garbage can, then returned it to its rightful owner.

Biff reports on Yankees Spring Training, where he follows/stalks Paul O'Neill. Also, Steve Miller performs ""Fly Like An Eagle.""

Paul is introduced as Cubby O'Brien; Heather Graham meets The Guy on Fire; Alec Baldwin helps Heather in a weird April Fool's gag in which they sign off and wish everybody a good night a la Saturday Night Live.

Bruce Willis is live via satellite in Idaho from the set of his upcoming film ""Breakfast of Champions."" All night long he's inside a television monitor that bungee jumps off the roof, then gets dropped onto glass, a bathtub of pudding, and finally gets smashed from six stories onto the street. Also, Tom Brokaw gets annoyed by Dave and in mid-interview walks right back to 30 Rockefeller Center.

Tom Hanks interrupts the monologue because he and Dave are dressed alike; throughout the night, spelling bee champ Edmund Gillette stands next to Rob's desk and spells words; during Mailbag, Alan Kalter reacts badly to a letter asking if he's a freak by visiting the letter-writer (Jay Johnson) and punching in his face; Tom gets a new suit.

Dave appears in student films as a side income, while Bob Borden runs throughout the city searching for Leonardo DiCaprio.

Clint Black sits in; Dave comments on the hot new drug Viagra, then shows a bogus ad for The Teletubbies.

Throughout the night, Bob Borden tries to set off car alarms directly outside the theater; Dave announces that The Guy on Fire is willing to perform for $2700 a pop, though the guy will come out sans flames for only $700; Jim Belushi attempts singing a old Perry Como song.

After mentioning a minor disagreement from earlier today, Dave announces his ""blood feud"" with director Jerry Foley; Mujibur and Sirajul appear on Jerry Springer, and no one's surprise, beat the crap out of each other; Dave starts ostracizing all the people who support Jerry in the ongoing squabble; Alan Cumming and the cast of the Broadway revival of Caberet perform the opening number.

During CBS Mailbag, a viewer asks if Dave has any plans to air his show from the space shuttle. Somehow as a response, astronaut Buzz Aldrin is seen hitting golfballs on the theatre roof.

Dave announces the birth of Jerry Foley's son; after showing footage from last year of Rob Burnett unwittingly scaring his young daughter in a Easter Bunny suit, he tries on a different outfit with more or less the same results; Harmony Korine almost says something coherent while being interviewed about his new book, which he wouldn't particularly recommend, so Dave tells him to go back to his hotel and take a shower.

The Guy Not on Fire announces that he is now available for commercials and endorsements, and later in the show he is seen in an ad for Sizzler. Also, Danny DeVito comes out onstage twice to protest Dave's jokes about him being a car hood ornament.

The Guy Not on Fire appears in his first paid ad (for Elite Computers); a chat with Jason Alexander is interrupted by another inane special report by Alan Richardson; Steve Earle and the Dukes perform ""I Still Carry You Around.""

""Know Your Current Events"" is interrupted so that The Man Not on Fire can pitch the Biore® self-heating mask. Later in the show, Dave admits that he's on a guilt trip for bumping an audience member for the shameless plug.

Amongst the festivities of ""Chicago Night"": Jerry Springer's bouncers stand on opposite sides of the stage; The Man Not on Fire appears in an ad for Gold Coast Drugs; the Top Ten home office is temporarily moved to nearby Schaumberg, Illinois; local blues singer (and frequent guest) Taj Mahal presents the Top Ten; Bob Borden goes on a frantic pursuit through the Windy City attempting to get an interview with Oprah.

Dave persuades an audience member named Gary to shave off his beard; The man who was on fire, then wasn't and is now on fire again promotes Kraus Chiropractic in Iowa; Gary orders a sandwich at Hello Deli; Dave and recent NFL draft pick Ryan Leaf throw footballs at a manhole.

Willie ""Blue Moon"" Watts sits in on pedal guitar; Dave announces that there have been some technical difficulties they may prevent Johnny Depp from appearing on the 1000th show later in the week; The Man on Fire sings the praises of Feline Pine kitty litter.

The latest roll call suggests that The Guy on Fire has officially sold out when he runs across the stage (in flames, of course) holding a sign for Highland Metals, Inc.

A monkey assumes power in the control room, while the Top Ten is interrupted by Antoine's Po' Boys and Deli spokesperson The Man on Fire.

Tonight's ""Stupid Human Tricks"": Richard Anthony of Ontario reaches back over his shoulder and gives himself a wedgie; John Rites of Nebraska fits three McDonald's burgers into his mouth; and Mike Garcia and Craig Love of Milwaukee do an impression of a helicopter as one spins on the other's head; Gene Siskel makes his first public appearance since undergoing brain surgery that April; Dave announces Johnny Depp cancelled due to the technical difficulties from earlier in the week, and Paul goes on a tirade about it.

Maynard Ferguson sits in again; Paul runs the Kentucky Derby; Dave shows a microphone plaque he got from the staff.

The cast of the faux musical ""Homecoming"" performs a show-stopping number. Also, Trisha Yearwood performs ""Never Let You Go Again.""

Biff tries out tobacco juice spin art; Dave shows a clip from last night's show in which he mixed up ""Viagra"" with ""Niagara""; Biff teaches Sally Field how to spit tobacco juice.

Dave promotes his new talk show summer camp, while Green Day performs ""King for a Day.""

Biff goes to Texas to learn to be a cowboy, and to make tonight's audience (residents of Houston) feel more at home, Lyle Lovett shows up to sing an old Hank Williams song, with Biff riding his horse onstage.

Dave visits a group of sailors on the audience, and one of them does a push-up onstage; Dave shows the audience today's (bogus) edition of The Family Circus; Faith Hill performs ""This Kiss.""

Dave shows another bogus ""Family Circus"" cartoon; Paul is discovered cheering on Hanson with a small army of teenyboppers outside.

Dave notices the standby audience really has nothing to do, so makes them do a jigsaw puzzle. When they finish it at the end of the show, we see that it's an image of Al Chez.

Dave gripes about the eight-minute late start for the show tonight due to golf coverage. Rapidly becoming despondent, he picks up a bottle of tequila and tosses back a few at the desk. Also, Dave mentions that the CBS program Diagnosis Murder had the unfortunate distinction of airing a brand new episode up against the Seinfeld finale, and shows a clip that proves that they were phoning it in.

Continuing a sweeps period trend of having the audience represent a different city, Dave greets 700+ residents of New Orleans, Louisiana. Keeping up with the theme, Mayor Mark Morial presents Paul with a key to the city, Na'lens native John Goodman presents the Top Ten, and Biff visits Bourbon Street.

The outside cam peers through the window of Dave's office to show the world a very hideous billboard promoting the sitcom Friends. Matthew Perry drops by to vandalize the advertisement.

The outside cam returns to the Friends ad that Matthew Perry wrecked last night, and Dave explains why he shouldn't be sued; Rob Burnett draws another doodle of Dave's lawyers; the Top Ten list is interrupted by the office manager in Wahoo, Nebraska (voice of Charles Grodin).

Biff reports from a Bulls-Pacers playoff game; teen actress Scarlett Johansson promotes The Horse Whisperer; Rob Burnett is dressed to the nines tonight, so Dave asks him to host the last twenty minutes of the show.

A hairstylist that appeared in tonight's ""Know Your Current Events"" cuts Dave's hair for twenty bucks. He later gives her a $1000 tip.

A parody of VH-1's ""Behind the Music"" features Paul Shaffer's rise and fall and rise again, with testimonials from Kris Kristofferson, Eddie Vedder, Sting, Erik Estrada (who replaced Paul as bandleader), Lou Reed, and WCBS-TV's local news anchor Dana Tyler (see recap).

Dave updates his map of the various locales in which he has received speeding tickets; Dave mentions that the son of Dave Dorsett was selected in today's MLB draft; Biff promotes his new culinary program ""Cookin' Naked with Biff""; Art Garfunkel shoots free throws, and then goes one-on-one with a lookalike staffer named Gary.

All night long, animals lick the camera lens. Included are a pot-bellied pig, lemur, a skunk, a miniature horse, and a guy dressed as a cat (Film Coordinator Rick ""Shecky"" Scheckman). Also, Dave announces his new catchphrase: ""Holy crap!""

Sarah Jessica Parker promotes her new HBO comedy Sex and the City, while ""Paul Shaffer's Chair of Mystery"" reveals the uglier side of Julia Roberts (played by Kenny Rogers).

After being bumped the last two nights, Late Show intern Jeremy Weiner finally gets his moment in the sun in ""Dave Hangs with Interns,"" a segment that lasts around five seconds.

Live via satellite at the Beverly Hills Hotel in sunny Southern California, Walter Matthau gets a haircut. Also, Luscious Jackson, Emmylou Harris, and the Indigo Girls perfrom together to promote Lilith Fair '98.

Tonight's remote: Delivery guys deliver stuff to Dave's ""apartment"" in Flushing Meadows; items include a tree, a clown, beer, a sofa, a TV, and a singing telegram.

Dave tries to call Merv Griffin, but ends up chatting with his clueless receptionist; Dave shows a subpoena caddy he claims Martha Stewart made for President Clinton; Bill Cosby performs stand-up in a chair.

A Starbucks is opened inside the band section, while actor-comedian Dane Cook makes his television stand-up debut.

Dave obsesses over some new words in the Merriam Webster Dictionary, and then reads definitions from an advance copy to the audience.

Live from the Beverly Hills Hilton, Casey Kasem arm wrestles bellhops; Dave and Tony look for the best steak restaurant in NYC; Dave chats with a boy from Jersey who had seven prom dates.

The outside cam reveals the long line of people waiting with anticipation to see the next ""Charts and Graphs"" segment on June 30. Also, Dave is started to find that tonight's Top Ten has no title, but counts down anyway.

An audience member walks out in disgust when Dave reminds everyone that the next ""Charts & Graphs"" segment in not for another two weeks. Also, Tony forgets a cue card and Dave gives him considerable grief.

Dave promotes the overhauled Late Show site, while Tony Randall brags about having a baby (his second) at age 78 with his own Top Ten list.

Overexcited soccer commentator Andres Cantor presents the Top Ten; Sean Lennon performs ""Home.""

The Piedmont Bird Callers, once a favored act on Johnny Carson's show, make their third-ever appearance on Letterman. Also, Dave chats with Steve Yzerman, captain of the back-to-back Stanley Cup champion Detroit Red Wings.

Al Norwood stirs Dave's coffee with the boom mike; Biff attempts to play the sax; Dave shows a clip of his supposed cameo in the ""X-Files"" movie.

Tony gives Dave the finger, while up-and-coming singer/actress Jennifer Lopez promotes Out of Sight.

Inspired by watching an episode of Wall Street Week where the panelists sit at a coffee table, Dave asks Biff to ""host"" the guests in the green room.

Mailbag: Paul goes to desperate measures in order to get a raise, while Mujibur and Sirajul go on a wild goose chase for one of Dave's blue cards.

Throughout the night, Pat and Kenny throw stuff off the roof, including two 5-gallon water jugs, a pinball machine, twenty gallons of paint, and a TV/VCR set playing a Jerry Springer tape.

After several weeks of hype, hoopla, and anticipation, Dave finally does a ""Charts and Graphs"" segment; Dave claims that there's a webcam of him on the CBS site; child hollerin' champion Martha Anne Goodwin attempts to shatter Dave's eardrums.

Thinking that it's robbing him of half of his audience, Dave shows phony clips of the X-Games competition being aired on cable; The Dixie Hummingbirds (featuring Stevie Wonder and Paul Simon) perform ""Loves Me like a Rock.""

In honor of Independence Day, Biff does a report from Colonial Williamsburg; Ben Stiller promotes There's Something About Mary; The Spice Girls make their first television appearance since the departure of Geri ""Ginger"" Halliwell.

During Mailbag, various staffers show the audience their baby pictures; Dave introduces a musical comedy troupe called ""The Beltway Bunch"" (a rip-off of The Capital Steps), and Tony runs them offstage; just before introducing tonight's ""Stupid Pet Tricks,"" Dave thanks Merrill Markoe (who underwent surgery earlier in the day) for giving him the idea to do this segment.

Dave points out an audience member that resembles Rupert; Dave gives a little league baseball team a pep talk; Cherry Poppin' Daddies perform ""Here Comes the Snake.""

Soul singer Chuck Jackson sits in; Dave shows the audience what a laugh track looks like; the audience is forced to sit through another edition of ""Please Stop Calling Me Chief.""

Some guy in a kimono sits in with the band; in honor of Antonio Banderas' new movie, Rob doodles on a legal pad to show what Dave would look like if he was Zorro; Chris Elliott and Gerard Mulligan do a taste test.

Know Your Current Events: the husband of one of tonight's contestants volunteers to be put to sleep by hypnotist Dr. Neil Cavey. Feeling anxious due to all the attention, he never falls asleep.

The ""Top Ten Cool Ways the Government Could Spend $63 Billion"" is followed by an investigation by WCBS reporter David Diaz, who scrutinizes the lack of effort put into the long-running comedy piece. Interviews with Gerard, Biff, Richard Jewell and FBI Agent Fox Mulder (David Duchovny) leave the mystery unsolved.

Live out on the street, we see the traffic ""congestion"" created by New York hosting the Goodwill Games; Dave changes his tie midway through the show; James Caan shaves his mustache.

In the latest roll call, Dave signs ""Zorro"" (Anton), an audience member with an enormous cold sore, and ""Lynette the Late Show Opera Singer"" off the checklist.

Biff stands on the sidewalk in 95 degree heat as he tries to determine once again whether a Popsicle® or a Fudgesicle® will melt faster; around the corner from the theater, Dave hoses down passerby; The Farrelly Brothers promote the sleeper hit of 1998, There's Something About Mary, while they strut their ""knowledge"" of sumo wrestling.

Biff visits Branson, Missouri, while Marilu Henner unsuccessfully tries to persuade Dave into doing some calisthenics.

A new feature debuts, as Dave announces #3 on the Top Ten List at the start of the show; Mujibur and Sirajul lose their virginity on an internet webcam, and later they hop in bed with Pauly Shore; Natalie Imbruglia performs ""Smoke.""

Dave has a lengthy discourse on an article he read in Martha Stewart Living; ""Late Show Meteorologist"" Skip Hopson reports from 53rd Street; Tori Amos performs ""Spark.""

A softball game between Late Show staffers and the cast of Miss Saigon is rigged by Dave; Anton goes into ""Buddy Rich, Jr."" mode and performs drums solos throughout the night; The Goo Goo Dolls perform ""Iris.""

Dave shows a personal ad from the Washington Post that looks like it was written by President Clinton; Alan fantasizes about waffles; Paul serenades Yasmine Bleeth.

Dave chats with Jennifer Ringley, the Seattle-based college student best known for operating the voyeuristic website JenniCAM.

Dave points out an audience member who looks like Kenny Rogers; during ""Late Show en espanol,"" Tony walks out in a suit and bad wig and does a Letterman-type monologue; Dave chats with George Firestone, America's oldest living Boy Scout.

During a segment in which he shows real and doctored Clinton and Gore news articles, Dave announces that his pants are too tight.

Paul and Anton Fig participate in a game called ""Average Television Viewer vs. Late Show Television Viewer.""

During the annual ""New for Summer"" segment, Mujibur and Sirajul are declared ""Late Show Prom King and Queen."" Later, Penn and Teller perform their new magic act.

Dave feels highly suspect of the audience's intelligence during ""Know Your Current Events""; John Popper sits in with the band; Dave chats with Hunter Scott, a 13-year-old WW II history buff.

John Popper is still sitting in with the band, while Doris Roberts promotes ""Everybody Loves Raymond.""

Biff goes outside to annoy people with a bullhorn. Later, Dave meets David Roth, a noted coin magician.

Throughout the show, stockbrokers jump out of a fifth-story window.

""Riverdance"" performs live via telephone from Cincinnati. Later, Liz Phair promotes her new album, ""WhiteChocolateSpaceEgg.""

Paul and somebody named ""Mary Beth"" host a spoof of ""Regis & Kathie Lee"" with Inky Mendez playing Gelman. Regis suddenly pops out of the audience, heckles them, and gets thrown out of the theater.

Wesley Snipes promotes the movie ""Spawn.""

During a segment comparing President Clinton's vacation to Dave's, a stockbroker comes in for a hug.

Dave points out that the show has undergone budget cuts, which might explain the tiny cue cards Tony's holding. Later, Beau Bridges promotes his new series, ""Maximum Bob.""

Dave makes a lenghty rant about ""The Late Shift"" after an audience member asks him for an autograph; Martin Short sings the Top Ten List; Terry Bradshaw makes his predictions for the football season.

Alan Kalter comments on home run record that is being chased by Mark McGwire; Dave announces that CBS ""just don't care 'bout"" the new fall lineup; Ray Romano talks about his family.

During CBS Mailbag, Dave and the band play ""Let's Screw with Paul Shaffer's Mind.""

Junior Brown sits in with the band, while Biff reports from Busch Stadium in St. Louis.

Biff makes another report from Busch Stadium, while Dave flirts with Andie MacDowell.

Dave goes on a tirade about the CBS watermark on the lower right hand side of the screen. Later, Dave chats with the guy who caught Mark McGwire's 62nd Home Run ball.

Dave stuggles to grow a beard; Charles Grodin promotes his talk show; Dave chats with the former Washington Senators pitcher who gave up Babe Ruth's 59th home run in 1927 (in his MLB debut, no less).

During CBS Mailbag, Paul, Tony, Biff and Sid announce that they're going to tour the country as a CSNY-type guitar band.

Dave congratulates the staff on the big Emmy win the previous night, then grills Rob Burnett for not kissing his wife just before he accepted the award.

Dave shows a (bogus) Mastercard ad starring Ken Starr; Biff goes to Chicago for another Home Run Report; Jackie Chan does an great Elvis impression.

Biff brings in scissors for a tie trim; Calvert impersonates Hank Williams, Jr.; Bill Cosby plays sax under the alias ""Philly Billy Be Bop.""

Dave apologizes for his affair with Angela Lansbury, while Biff apologizes for his affair with Dave's wife. Shortly afterwards, Dorothy calls and insults Dave.

Dave makes another rant pertaining to the CBS Watermark; kid Geography whiz Jonathan Estrada helps out during CBS Mailbag; Brian Benben promotes his new, self-titled (and quickly cancelled) sitcom.

Dave talks about a Steak House Onion Machine, while Michael J. Fox promotes his sitcom ""Spin City.""

Dave shows a (bogus) ad for ESPN2's ""Xtreme Presidental Perjury,"" while J.Lo promotes ""Antz.""

A gag promo for the TV series ""Biffy, The Umpire Layer"" is declared the worst joke ever seen on the show; an ""Audience Vote"" determines Rip Taylor as tonight's guest instead of an absentee Cindy Crawford; Kevin James does some stand-up to promote ""The King of Queens.""

Dave makes fun of Inky's summer camp outfit. Later, Howard Stern plays with his gut and strips to his underwear in order to show off his legs.

A fawn walks onstage during CBS Mailbag; comedian Jon Stewart promotes ""The Daily Show.""

Musical guests Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach perform ""I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself."" Also, ""newly elected chancellor of Germany Gerhardt Schroeder"" sits in with the band ""all night long"" on alto sax.

Dave lets Inky go on a ""gum break;"" George Clarke is introduced as operator of the Late Show hedge fund; Biff demands more scandals involving President Clinton; Chris Tucker promotes Rush Hour.

Warren fills in for Paul (out for Yom Kippur); Kelsey Grammer brings out his dog during his interview.

Dennis, a baseball-bunting pig, waits throughout the show to shag some balls on 53rd Street. He ends up getting bumped after the ""Hedwig"" performance goes on too long.

During CBS Mailbag, Alan promotes ""Alan Kalter's Music To Make Love By,"" which includes two TV theme songs and a doorbell. Later, Steve Martin's lengthy absence from appearing on the show is explained in a little film called ""Dave and Steve's Gay Vacation.""

Dave experiments with how he can give the finger without being censored; Kelly Preston promotes ""Holy Man.""

Tony Mendez does a ""card trick""; Tito Puente contributes drumrolls to the Top Ten list; Dave shows a (bogus) new, improved $20 bill.

A new segment called ""This Day in Late Show History"" reveals that October 7 was a Saturday in 1994. Biff corrects Dave, telling him it was a Friday. Later, Jeff Goldblum promotes ""Holy Man.""

Dave takes a look at Tony's hands, which have marker ink all over them. Later, George Miller comments on the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal.

During CBS Mailbag, Tony bares his ass again, and The Foul-Mouthed Scenic Designer (Kathleen Ankers) lives up to her title.

The calvacade of mediocre crops continues as ""Joe Whitworth"" from Oregon walks onstage with a ""gigantic"" pumpkin; Biff presents a World Series Report despite a sore throat; Roberto Benigni plugs ""Life is Beautiful""; Mark McGwire does a little hitting practice on 53rd Street with Dave Dorsett's son Chris.

It's Dave's 3000th show in late night, so he celebrates by bringing Charles Grodin onstage to break the monotony of chatting with Paul. Later, Dave introduces some State Fair winners, including a 530-pound pumpkin and a middle-aged champion hog caller.

Dave and George Clarke go to Yankee Stadium, where the building engineer hits a home run.

Biff participates in more interviews in part two of his World Series report, while Danny Glover plugs ""Lethal Weapon 4.""

Tony's eye itches, and Dave gives him a hard time for potentially screwing up the cue cards; during CBS Mailbag, Dave interrogates TV star ""Calista Flockhart"" (Gerard), who magically transforms into the dancing baby from her hit show ""Ally McBeal""; Dave welcomes World Series hero David Wells.

Four shirtless guys (spelling ""YANKS"") bring out the Top Ten; Danny DeVito tries to sing.

Dave cons a Joe G's customer into appearing in a bogus campaign ad; Eddie Izzard does stand-up.

Biff shows outtakes from last week's World Series reports, while director Todd Solondz promotes ""Happiness.""

Dave makes several jokes at the expense of septuagenarian spaceman John Glenn; Holly Hunter plugs Living Out Loud.

Dave announces the names of staff members who will run in the New York City Marathon; Biff gives out candy to the audience; Dave shows a box of Snoop Doggy Dogg dog biscuits, so David Diaz does an investigation of Dave plagiarizing the daytime talk show ""Donny and Marie.""

New York Marathon winner John Kagwe runs through during the monologue, and is later followed by women's winner Franca Faicconi. Later, Dave spills coffee on his tie and suffers a nervous breakdown, which is followed by a safety message from Paul.

Dave gives bogus election results; the outside cam goes to Joe G's for another round of ""Please Stop Calling Me Debbie""; Dave chats with Ellie Lammer, a 12-year-old who examined parking meters for a school project.

Dave shows a clip of new Minnesota governor Jesse ""The Body"" Ventura in the movie ""The Running Man""; Senator Chuck Schumer presents the Top Ten; basketball star (and future alleged murderer) Jayson Williams lifts weights with one hand.

Tony gets scolded for chewing gum; shortly after appearing on ""Know Your Current Events,"" an audience member starts singing; Dave interviews a Catholic priest that won the Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes.

Dave chats with Evan Metropoulos, the 17-year-old CEO of the Bumble Bee Tuna Corp.

Dave mentions that Meryl Streep, tonight's scheduled guest and star of the movie ""One True Thing,"" had to cancel at the last minute. In place of the Oscar-winner is Retired Col. Gail Halvorsen, who dropped candy on East German children during the airlift in 1949.

Tom Wolfe promotes his first novel in 11 years, ""The Man In Full.""

Dave accuses Tony Mendez of goosing someone with a cue card; Roma Downey and Kenneth Branagh meet for the first time; Pat and Kenny sing the theme song to ""Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts.""

Jayson Williams of the New Jersey Nets operates one of the cameras; a ""Kid Scientist"" from Naperville, Illinois cracks eggs; Cameron Diaz plugs ""Very Bad Things.""

Dave once again takes away Tony's gum, while Paul tries to flirt with Monica Lewinsky and Linda Tripp.

Drew Barrymore plugs ""Home Fries,"" while Celine Dion and Bryan Adams perform a duet.

Todd Rundgren sits in, while Drew Barrymore walks onstage so that she can show what her new dog looks like.

James Cotton sits in; Dave discusses Dr. Kevorkian and the safest handling of a Thanksgiving turkey; the 5th anniversary special (which aired that night) is spoofed.

As he does almost every Thankgiving, Kreskin plays for pride in a little game called ""White Meat / Dark Meat."" Tonight, he correctly guesses that Dennis Franz (live via telephone) will have white meat for his holiday dinner.

Jayson Williams of the Nets comments on the NBA lockout, then drops phony turkeys out the 4th floor window. Later, Gwyneth Paltrow plugs ‘Shakespeare In Love.""

Dave warns pedestrians (via his PA system) that the turkey is bad; a guy in the balcony talks to Dave about turning flips onstage; Paul correctly guesses that Dorothy baked a rhubarb pie.

Dave fusses over his hair, then messes around with it. Later, Salma Hayek plugs ""Dogma.""

It's ""Stewart Night,"" as all the guests share the same last name despite not being related. French Stewart chats with Dave via telephone, Calvert does his famous Rod Stewart impression, Martha Stewart hangs out in the green room, and Patrick Stewart and Jon Stewart plug their most recent projects. Oh yeah, and Faith Hill (not a Stewart) sings.

Live from Times Square, it's ""Dick Clark's Rockin' December 9 Countdown."" At the stroke of midnight, Greg Kinnear commutes from the theater to give Dick a kiss.

Gerard plays an openly gay man in ""Who Asked For It?""; The Brooklyn Philharmonic plays the ""William Tell Overture.""

Dave compares an electrician that played ""KYCE"" to John Elway. Also, Meg Ryan plugs ""You've Got Mail.""

Tom Brokaw drops by sporting a turtleneck sweater in lieu of his usual two-piece suit, and pretty soon Biff is handing out turtlenecks to the audience. By the end of the show, even Dave is wearing one.

Dave explains the impeachment process; Robin Williams hosts the PBS special ""The Shaffer Campaign: A Look Back,"" which details Paul's futile attempt to run for congress.

In lieu of a giant meatball, a pastrami sandwich is placed on top of the Late Show Christmas Tree; Kreskin guesses if Tom Arnold (via telephone) will correctly spell ""Hanukkah.""

While Paul and the Orchestra perform ""Songs for Pedestrians,"" Dave trims his tie. Also, a ""Welcome Communists"" banner hangs onstage.

Live from sunny Los Angeles, it's ""Dick Clark's Rockin' Countdown to December 18,"" followed by ""Casey Kasem's Countdown to Dick Clark's Rockin' Countdown to December 18."" When it strikes midnight, Casey is nearly drowned in a sea of confetti.

During Mailbag, Alan gives the audience an unusual egg nog recipe, while Dave answers the question, ""Where did Hanukkah come from?"" by stating it that was named after a nice man named Steve Hanukkah.

The latest roll call mentions ""Gus, who guy who owns property onstage"" and ""Tony Randall as Ricky, the stagehand who looks like Regis Philbin.""

Dave refunds $50 to an audience lady with a Late Show sweatshirt; a Joe G's customer appears in the hastily-produced film trailer for the faux movie ""Badge of Honor III""; ten department store Santas present the Top Ten; Jessye Norman featuring Harry Huff sing ""Go Tell It To The Mountain.""

Soon-to-be-traded Yankees pitcher David Wells sits in the audience; the first of tonight's two Top Ten Lists is interrupted by a claymation segment with Dave and Santa; Cissy Houston and Roberta Flack join Darlene Love and Bette Sussman for their annual presentation of ""Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home).""

Dave talks about the recent successes of the New York Jets, so Harold Larkin goes outside to alter the ""Jets Suck"" graffiti on the wall; Biff keeps changing sweatshirts; ten beautiful women present the Top Ten.

Bisbee, North Dakota is investigated in the latest edition of ""Biff Henderson's America.""

Throughout the night, Chicago announcer ""Ray Clay"" fills in for Alan, making inane announcements and usurping the Top Ten from Dave. Also, a Late Show tradition is born when Jay Thomas shows Jets QB Vinny Testaverde how to throw a football at the top of the Christmas tree.

Kamarr the Discount Magician makes one last appearance.

Jon Voight promotes two films, ""Enemy of the State"" and ""Varsity Blues.""

Biff pretends to stand in Times Square again, this time reporting about the weather. Also, Sarah Jessica Parker promotes the second season of ""Sex & The City.""

Biff just can't get enough of the green screen in the hallway; tonight's participant in ""Please Stop Calling Me Monty"" jams with the band; Dave chats with child actor Liam Aiken.

It's time for ""How Many Guys in Mouse Suits Can Fit into a Dunkin' Donuts?"" We never find out the exact number, though they do bring back doughnuts.

Dave announces the new name of the show will be ""David Letterman's Countdown to the Millennium."" Also, the show profiles audience member ""Spencer Alderson"" (Leonard) of Sweden.

""David Letterman's Countdown to the Millennium,"" Day 2: Paul declares that he will mention a millennium-related fun fact every day for the rest of the year. Also, Jon Stewart promotes the recently overhauled talk show ""The Daily Show.""

Sitting in with the CBS Orchestra tonight: the shirtless guy who was the ""T"" in ""Jets"" at last night's game. Also, The Black Crowes performs ""By Your Side.""

During ""Small Town News,"" Dave sports a paper mustache.

Tonight's ""Paul Shaffer Millennium Prediction"": health spas will not charge deposits. Upon hearing this, Dave wishes people would stop using the phrase ""happy camper."" Also, Dave goes a somewhat lengthy discourse about the Late Night show before introducing Conan O'Brien, while the latest episode of ""Next Time Bring Your Sister, You Hump"" goes on location to The Candy Store.

William Baldwin promotes ""Virus,"" while Biff rescues Dave's coffee mug after it falls over.

Mailbag: Tony mentions he's taken up acting, then shows two remarkably similar clips from Patch Adams and Shakespeare In Love. Also, NBA head honcho David Stern presents the Top Ten.

Dave says a focus group doesn't like his ""Countdown to the Millennium"" segment, so Paul gives one last fact: ""Danny Aiello will get another series."" Rather than bow down in defeat, Dave introduces a segment called ""Shark Week,"" which actually started the previous night. The premise is that Dave and Paul try to talk about sharks, but quickly come to realize that they know almost nothing about them, and change the topic.

Dave and Paul discuss William Wood Lee Shaffer's diapers. Later, Paul interrupts the ""Shark Week"" segment with another Millennium prediction: ""The new black… will be black.""

Biff shows up with a tie for a ""Know Your Current Events"" contestant; Bill Murray promotes Rushmore and serenades Dave.

Dave announces he and Paul are trying to establish a video nexus; during Mailibag, Anton falls down an elevator shaft, while Paul and Dave shoot Regis with paintballs; ten firefighters present the Top Ten.

It's the seventeenth anniversary of Dave's debut in late night, and what is he going to do to celebrate the milestone? ""Absolutely nothing."" Also, Tony Randall reports from yesterday's Super Bowl XXXIII, while Dave offers to sing the national anthem at next year's game.

Dave mentions that through the wonders of science, Paul Shaffer had another baby over the weekend, and then introduces Bernard Shaffer in the green room; during ""Who Asked For It?"", an audience member demands to see something related to Groundhog Day, so ""a groundhog"" (Gerard) walks onstage and harasses Dave; Catherine Bell promotes J.A.G.

Dave and Paul spend ten minutes discussing the new and improved ""Late Show"" home site; Dave chats with ""John Elway"" (Gerard) after the star quarterback is last minute no-show; Creed performs a garbled rendition of their hit ""Take Me Higher.""

Dave reads about Bucknell University for a ""KYCE"" participant; Laetitia Casta is interviewed twice.

Nile Rogers fills in for both Felicia and Will Lee, who are both sick; Martha Stewart has some fun with a batch of pinecones.

""Biff Henderson's America"" makes a quick stop in Baker, Nevada. Also, Dave chats with the Reverend and Mrs. John Cobb, who tell their incredible story of how they met after a mailed marriage proposal never came through.

Dave chats with (live via satellite) Al at Prestige Luggage Company in Dallas. Dave is so fascinated by him that the segment runs for almost fifteen minutes, and later Al presents #1 on the Top Ten list.

Dave rants about the internet, while Bob Borden literally searches for a valentine.

Orlando Antigua of the Harlem Globetrotters helps out during ""Know Your Current Events,"" while Sandra Bullock promotes Forces of Nature.

Dave discusses signature sign-offs and announces his new one will be ""Keep a light coat of oil on it""; during Mailbag, Gerard discusses nudity in film and gets distracted by his speech very easily; Richard Simmons flies around a la Cupid before his interview, but storms off after Dave kisses Nadine and the Mailbag Girl.

Tonight marks the debut of ""Alan Kalter's Secret Word."" Tonight's utterance: ""gristle."" Also, racing star Jeff Gordon presents the Top Ten, while Dave gives the blue cards for the ""What They'll Be Doing Next"" segment to Corky Ramirez to send to the comedy museum.

Lou Soloff of Blood, Sweat and Tears sits in with the horn section; Alan's secret word is ""magnesium""; Dave chats with champion figure skater Tara Lipinski.

The secret word is ""mongoose""; ten West Point cadet presents the Top Ten; Julian Lennon performs The Beatles' ""Don't Let Me Down.""

The secret word is ""hydraulic""; Dave gives a photographer in the audience a Polaroid to shoot pictures during the show; Jake Gyllenhaal plugs October Sky.

The secret word is ""buttress""; during Mailbag, Dave and Linda Tripp appear on $25,000 Pyramid; ten hot dog vendors present the Top Ten.

Dave takes five minutes to comment on the sudden death of Gene Siskel, then shows a clip from his last appearance on the show; Alan interrupts to show everybody his gritty new 10-10-346 ad; Dave claims that if you want to hear #1 of the ""Top Ten Mike Tyson Complaints About TV,"" you have to go to his web site.

Alan's secret word is ""bobcat,"" and the jackpot now stands at ""seven hundred damn dollars!"" Also, Kreskin participates in a new game called ""North Dakota/South Dakota,"" where he must correctly guess which state a mystery person is calling from.

The secret word is ""barnacle;"" Dave answers a phone call from Sweden; in a segment about the hype surrounding Star Wars Episode One, George Clarke impersonates Mark Hamill.

The secret word is ""corpuscular."" Meanwhile, Dave chats with Homer Hickam, the NASA shuttle instructor whose life inspired the recent film October Sky.

The secret word is ""combustible,"" and the stakes have been raised to an even thousand; during Mailbag, Harold Larkin starts bleeding from the neck, which happens to be a common side effect of using Head & Shoulders shampoo; Will Ferrell sings about things at random.

The secret word is ""saluki""; live via satellite, the employees of the Unclaimed Baggage Center in Scottsboro, Alabama opens up suitcases; The Roots (featuring Erykah Badu) performs ""You Got Me.""

Dave rants about tonight's Barbara Walters/Monica Lewinsky interview; the secret word is ""luggage,"" with the grand prize reaching $1300; the latest roll call singles out Tom Cruise's manicurist, Tom Cruise's dressmaker, and ""Tom Cruise"" (Calvert) himself; Dave and Paul comment on the death of Dusty Springfield.

The secret word is ""viscous,"" while George Miller rants about the media.

The secret word is ""melancholia,"" while ""Oprah"" (Pat Farmer) flirts with ""John Travolta"" (Kenny Sheehan).

The secret word is ""lederhosen""; the second-ever ""Alan Kalter's Where Are They Now?"" reveals that Alan Hale, Jr. has been dead for several years now; Don King helps Norm MacDonald promote his new show.

The secret word is ""Ionosphere,"" with the prize now standing at ""$1700 damn dollars!"" Meanwhile, Gaines awkwardly interrupts Dave's interview with Elizabeth Hurley to answer a question Dave asked Rob Burnett at the start of the show.

The secret word is ""shipjack""; Dave shows a meat identification kit, complete with photographs of each form of meat; Craig Kilborn promotes his new talk show; Emmylou Harris and a rotund Linda Ronstadt perform Leonard Cohen's ""Sisters of Mercy.""

The secret word is ""bilious,"" which is coincidental because Dave feels under the weather. Also, Elton John and Leann Rimes perform ""Written in the Stars.""

Dave bids farewell to Tom Snyder (his last show aired that night), then says get well to Johnny Carson (who had major surgery). Also, the secret word is ""elliptical.""

Dave hollers about 60 Minutes, then claims that somebody won the Secret Word ""contest"" on Friday; tonight's Secret Word is ""meniscus,"" with the jackpot reduced to a hundred dollars; Blur (featuring the Boys Choir of Harlem) performs ""Coffee & TV.""

The opening sequence is altered; the secret word is ""taconite""; Dave chats with Sister Carol Anne Corley, a nun who's also a master of fly-fishing.

The secret word is ""sociopathic,"" while Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn promote the upcoming remake of The Out-of-Towners.

The secret word is ""nemonurwingy,"" but Dave accuses Alan of making it up (which he did), so he changes it to ""balloon."" Also, after The Corrs perform, Dave decides that ""Corrs"" must be Irish for ""babes.""

Charlie Daniels sits in on fiddle; the secret word is ""mahagony""; comedian/commentator Greg Fitzsimmons remarks on domestic life.

The secret word is ""flange""; Dave holds up a certificate that makes Late Show the ""Official Late Night Talk Show of the Millennium""; Biff annoys Yankees players during his 2nd annual trip to their Spring Training camp in Florida; Lyle Lovett and Willie Nelson, with a little help from Kris Kristofferson, perform a memorable duet.

The secret word is ""millipede""; right after the second-ever edition of ""Know Your Cuts of Meat,"" Dave calls one of the previous owners of his Meat Identification Kit.

Throughout the night, local teens with learner's permits parallel park on 53rd Street. At the end of the show, Dave attempts parallel parking and nearly embarrasses himself.

The secret word is ""ischemia,"" while SNL star Molly Shannon promotes Never Been Kissed.

Paul makes his second ""Countdown to the Millennium"" prediction since the designation: ""Everybody's going to take out a lot of cash. Forget about the cash."" Also, Dave calls Jay Leno ""a hump,"" then ponders what it would be like if Jesus was a guest on the show.

Paul announces celebrities will come by all evening to wish Dave a happy birthday, and for some strange reason Martha Stewart drops by three times; the secret word is ""diplopia""; to settle an argument, Dave shows the audience a map of the Panama Canal.

The secret word is ""hegemony,"" and Dave doubles the current jackpot from $1100 to $2200; Kathie Lee Gifford sings Dave a late happy birthday song, and later he shows a clip of her left buttock mysteriously sagging as she walked offstage; Kevin Spacey enters the stage on an electric scooter.

The secret word is ""quadricentennial,"" and after doubling the stakes on last night's show, Dave ""raises"" them to an even hundred million; on a variation of a recurring bit, Biff goes out in traffic, harassing people with a bullhorn; Dave increases the jackpot again to $150,000,000; Darrell Hammond does his trademark Clinton impression.

Dave mentions the sudden and untimely death of Bill Wendell; the secret word is ""Melon""; with no clip available, Biff and David Spade reenact a scene from his new movie Lost & Found; Tim Couch of the Kentucky Wildcats (and later the Cleveland Browns) and Dave throw a football into a exact same taxi window; Dave mistakenly refers to the show as ""Late Night.""

A technical difficulty turns Dave's face and tie blue during the monologue; the secret word is ""tubular""; during Mailbag, Dave shows us the video guide ""Biff Henderson's How to Become a Chick Magnet.""

Dave discusses the various bars and/or grills that have been next door to the theater, and wishes the best of luck to its current incarnation, The Manhattan Chili Company; the secret word is ""kitty""; Paul gets spun off into his own talk show, during which he has a (bogus) heart-to-heart with Monica Lewinsky; Dave has a sample of the chili.

Dave claims there was a secret word winner last night, then brings out Connecticut housewife ""Marlene DiBenedetto""; the secret word is ""hat,"" with the jackpot going back down to a hundred damn dollars; Dave makes another shout-out to the Manhattan Chili Company.

The secret word is ""boat""; Paul, Felecia, Will, and Sid perform ""Songs for Pedestrians""; Ted Danson lurks in the backdrop during Dave's chat with Mary Steenburgen.

The secret word is ""carrot,"" and Dave introduces another supposed winner (writer and Boston native Jay Johnson); to prove a point, Dave quizzes Paul on a cut of meat; during a new segment called ""Alan's Celebrity Birthday,"" a caption reading ""jackass"" with an arrow pointing at Alan appears on the screen, so Big Red storms off to the control room and punches Jerry.

In honor of tonight's audience, the backdrop is altered to show the skyline of Miami, Florida; Biff visits a retirement community in Coral Gables; ten Florida residents present the Top Ten, with Dave counting down in Spanish; Dave eats suntan lotion.

Dave claims he's filed a $100 million lawsuit against the surgeon general; Dave pays an attractive audience member $200 for saying tonight's secret word (""thimble""); Robbie Williams performs ""Millennium.""

The secret word is ""incinerate""; Paul Fiore tries to parallel-park outside; Dave chats with a twelve-year-old girl who wants to save the dying art of ice cream trucks.

The secret word is ""undershirt""; Dave shows (bogus) footage of Roberto Benigni making an ass of himself at the Country Music Awards; World Bass fishing champ Denny Brauer is bumped up after Jesse Jackson's limo arrives late.

Cold opening: Jesse Jackson makes an insincere apology to Dave for his tardiness in last night's show. Also, ""Marlene DiBenedetto"" (Jude Brennan) wins the secret word again, and the Hi-Ho girls present the $200 check.

In honor of tonight's travel-weary audience (everybody's from Nashville), Biff hangs out at the Grand Ole Opry while Nashville Predators captain Tom Fitzgerald presents the Top Ten.

The secret word is ""ball""; an audience member is stifled by a barbershop quartet in the latest edition of ""Who Asked For It?""; a dog gets injured during ""Stupid Pet Tricks,"" prompting Dave to keep on eye on him in the green room.

Thirteen-year-old blues phenomenon Ben Robinson sits in; the secret word is ""stick""; Bob Borden walks onstage to hype his new catchphrase: ""Next time bring your sister, you hump.""

Dave makes a nonsense rant about Barry Manilow; the secret word is ""winky""; during ""Dave's Record Collection,"" Tony goes berserk over a comment made by Dave, and he gets thrown out by Bill DeLace.

Dave bring out the seven supposed winners of last night's secret word contest (including Mike McIntee and the Stangel brothers); tonight's secret word is ""scooter""; an audience member from Florida plays Paul's piano is lieu of ""Know Your Current Events""; teen actress Leelee Sobieski promotes the CBS miniseries Joan of Arc.

With tonight's audience being from the City of Brotherly Love, Biff heads to Philly to get in training a la Rocky. For his efforts, he is given a medal by Philadelphia Mayor Edward Rendell and Sylvester Stallone's brother Frank.

The secret word is ""molar,"" while Dave measures Julia Roberts' waist.

Dave calls Aloha Meats in Honolulu to see if they answer the phone by saying ""aloha""; the secret word is ""polymer""; Dave and Shecky hang out with a Star Wars fan; Aretha Franklin attempts to sing ""Nessun Dorma.""

The secret word is ""turf""; various members of the staff appear in a series of film promos, including Biff in Eyes Wide Shut; a recently clean-shaven Tom Selleck is treated to a video tribute to his facial hair.

The secret word is ""Alan""; Dave shows a one dollar bill folded so it would be shaped like a ring, courtesy of a ""Know Your Current Events"" participant; Helen Hunt promotes the final episode of Mad About You.

Tonight's audience hails from Boston, Massachusetts. The backdrop, as always, is altered to resemble the Beantown skyline; Dave shows various great moments in Red Sox history, showing Carlton Fisk's 1975 World Series homer three times; Bill DeLace impersonates a hot dog vendor a remote Top Ten; Nomar Garciaparra walks across the stage to a Standing O; Natalie Portman promotes Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

Dave goes on a fury as to what constitutes the dinners given as prizes during ""Know Your Current Events""; the secret word is ""announcer""; Dave Dorsett doodles on a camera; Tony ruins the ending of the new ""Star Wars"" prequel in Spanish.

Dave tries calling Hawaii again; the secret word is ""asparagus""; Kate Capshaw tries to call her vacationing husband (Steven Spielberg) in Hawaii but she gets a busy signal; Britney Spears performs ""…Baby One More Time.""

Anton is again introduced as Buddy Rich, Jr.; Paul pays $102,000,000 for a ticket to see the new ""Star Wars"" prequel; Dave shows Sarah Jessica Parker a recent clip of Matthew Broderick chatting on the show with his fly open.

Jay Johnson wins the secret word ""contest"" again; throughout the night, Lou Rawls sits in the green room; tonight's secret word is ""litmus""; Everlast performs ""Ends.""

The secret word is ""bituminous""; Lou Rawls continues to lounge in the green room; during Mailbag, ""Billy Blanks"" (Gerard) gives a rather half-hearted demonstration of Tae-Bo.

Tonight's secret word (""emetic"") is now sponsored by a lawn-watering device called ""Hosie Cow""; Biff stands outside holding a popsicle in one hand and a Creamsicle® in the other, determining which will melt first (the popsicle); Dave chats with Nancy Mace, the first female graduate of The Citadel.

The Hosie Cow Secret Word is ""escarpment""; Dave plays a new game at Joe G's where a contestant must start a conversation and brings up the weather within sixty seconds (he won); Snoop Dogg plugs his new album.

The Hosie Cow Secret Word is ""whippy""; last night's winner ""Barbara Sanchez"" (Jude Brennan) is presented with $400 and a fully functional Hosie Cow; Alan imagines what effect Y2K will have on the country.

After appearing in an ad for Hosie Cow, Alan announces that the secret word is ""inflammation."" Also, Tony nominee Brian Dennehy presents the Top Ten.

Edgar Winter sits in; the Hosie Cow Secret Word is ""dick""; Heather Graham promotes Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.

The Hosie Cow Secret Word is ""amputation""; the latest roll call introduces Biff's pint-size clone ""Mini-Biff"" and Calvert dressed up as a Hosie Cow; Tim Robbins promotes Arlington Road.

The Hosie Cow Secret Word is ""dick"" again, but it's eventually changed to ""bunny."" Also, Dave has another one of his long-winded chats (via satellite) with the Preston Luggage Company in Dallas, where he lets a customer set his own price (five dollars) for a snazzy carry-on bag.

The Hosie Cow Secret Word is ""pigment,"" while Dave chats (and becomes infatuated) with Brandi Chastain of the US Women's World Cup Soccer Team.

Al Gore appears on ""The Paul Shaffer Show""; The Hosie Cow Secret Word is ""tourniquet""; Mike Myers promotes Austin Powers 2.

Anton is introduced as Buddy Rich Jr., the ""bastard son"" of the legendary jazz drummer; Hosie Cow makes a cameo in the new Austin Powers movie; the Hosie Cow Secret Word is ""whipknockvonwhipknocky,"" but Dave forces Alan to change it to ""newt.""

The secret word (""rodeo"") is now sponsored by Larry King, whom according to Alan ""looks like an owl""; ""Rita Buttgas"" (Jude Brennan) is introduced as the latest winner of the faux contest; Pat Farmer comments on the NBA Finals from backstage; Andy Dick starts cutting his hair in mid-interview, and afterwards a very annoyed Kenny Sheehan breaks out the dust-buster.

The Larry King Secret Word is ""gabardine,"" and is followed by stock footage of four baby owls devouring a rat. Also, Dave shows the audience an autographed photo of the US Women's World Cup Soccer Team in Late Show, and stops the show several times to ogle the ladies.

Jimmy Vaughan sits in; the Larry King Secret Word is ""entropic""; after an unusually aimless edition of ""New for Summer,"" Dave asks Paul, ""What is happening to this show?""

The Larry King Secret Word is ""linguine."" Also, to counteract with Hillary Clinton's recent decision to run for the US Senate in New York, Mayor Giuliani announces that he's running for the same office in Arkansas.

The Larry King Secret Word is ""peptide""; Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty perform ""Smooth.""

Tonight's Secret Word (""bird"") is brought to you by David Letterman's Women's World Cup Soccer Team, in honor of his latest celebrity crush. Quote Alan: ""They're hotter than a dancing bobcat with its ass on fire!"" Also, during a slideshow bit called ""Celebrity Summer Plans,"" Vinnie Magliulo reports live via satellite from Caesar's Palace giving the odds on the audience response to the jokes.

The World Cup Soccer Team Secret Word is ""oozing""; Montana park ranger (and past winner) ""Rita Buttgas"" (Jude Brennan) is announced as the winner of the Secret Word Tournament of Champions; Dave picks a fly out of his coffee.

The Larry King/Women's Soccer Secret Word is ""peripatetic""; a bird caller from Piedmont, California does a drumroll for Dave; after a brief discussion over the difference between a mesa and a butte, Rob Burnett makes a quirky legal pad doodle that settles the issue once and for all.

The Larry King/Women's Soccer Secret Word is ""highoeyazmuhoodhee""; Calista Flockhart's chat with Dave is interrupted by visions of the dancing baby from Ally McBeal busting a move with George Clarke; Bill DeLace poses as a Little League umpire for a remote Top Ten list.

The Larry King/Women's Soccer Secret Word is ""pony""; during Mailbag, Biff, Kenny, and Dave Dorsett brag about their latest female conquests; John Leguizamo promotes Summer of Sam.

Dave shows footage of a taxi literally crashing the staff cookout out on 53rd Street; with temperatures hovering over 100 degrees, Biff dares to go outside and fry an egg on the sidewalk; Dan Quayle joins Larry King and the Women's Soccer Team as a sponsor of Alan's Secret Word (""one hot mother****er""); Tony Randall drops by to eat the egg.

An audience member attempts to button Dave's jacket; the Dan Quayle/Larry King/Women's Soccer Secret Word is ""neoprene""; throughout the night, Biff stands next to a 45-pound block of ice on the sidewalk, giving Dave updates on its melting status; Sixpence None the Richer performs ""Kiss Me.""

Dave replies to a Zagat's survey; the Women's Soccer Secret Word is ""pestilence,"" with the Dan Quayle/Larry King Secret Word Jackpot standing at ""Thirteen hundred damn dollars!""; Oliver Platt promotes Lake Placid.

The Secret Word is ""prick,"" with the stock footage of the baby owls eating the rat joining an already crowded group of sponsors; John Mayall sits in; Jason Biggs promotes American Pie.

Dave points out that Paul is dressed from head to toe in white tonight, including a snazzy top hat; during Mailbag, The Guy on Fire is profiled on ""Biff Henderson's Where Are They Now?""; Lucinda Williams performs ""Concrete on Barbed Wire.""

The Larry King/Dan Quayle Secret Word is ""sphygmomanometer""; Dave briefly comments on the passing of JFK Jr.; Dave Mirra does bicycle stunts on 53rd Street, but after he has to cut it short due to rain, he pops wheelies inside the theater.

The Dan Quayle/Larry King Secret Word is ""pie""; Dave finally meets the entire U.S. Women's World Cup champion soccer team, though Mia Hamm and Brandi Chastain do most of the talking; ""Rita Buttgas"" is introduced as the first Secret Word three-time winner; Dave asks Paul if they can trade the horn section for the soccer team.

The Hillary Clinton/Larry King Secret Word is ""mommy""; Dave asks a question to Einstein's Brain (voice of Alan Kalter); perfect game winner David Cone presents the Top Ten.

The Hillary Clinton/Larry King Secret Word is ""meehnkee""; Dave ""performs"" at Woodstock '99, then declares that Limp Bizkit kicks ass; Buzz Aldrin drops by to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the moon landing.

Paul asks what the point of the Secret Word is, and after it's revealed (""throb""), Dave replies with ""I'm tired of being held hostage by your psychotic delusions."" Also, Mujibur and Sirajul preview the new Alan Kalter dart board, and Alan punches them.

Paul complains about the heat at Woodstock '99; Dave brags about Max Pappas and Team Rahal (a sign of things to come); Ted Koppel's evil twin Kenny is caught hosting Nightline in lieu of his more well-known brother.

Buckwheat Zydeco (nee Stanley Durrell) sits in on accordion; throughout the night, Shark the border collie chases Frisbees on 53rd Street; film director Garry Marshall plugs Runaway Bride.

Biff helps out pedestrians walking on 53rd Street; Dave asks Paul about project identification; Pete Townshend and Eddie Vedder perform ""Behind Blue Eyes.""

""Paul Shaffer's Countdown to the Millennium"" makes its triumphant return to the Late Show, and is now sponsered by Hillary Clinton and Larry King. Tonight's forecast: ""In the new millennium, people will freak out.""

Dave chats with Tour de France winner and cancer survivor Lance Armstrong; Paul's latest prediction: ""No more lox and bagels""; Sheryl Crow performs ""The Difficult Kind.""

It's a very special night as Jim Jeter is about to log his one millionth mile on his 1982 Toyota Starlet. After reaching the milestone, Dave buys him a new used car.

Dave takes the outside cam to Joe G's for another round of ""Stop Calling Me Kitty.""

Dave shows the audience some stuff he bought on his recent vacation in a segment called ""Travel Souvenirs."" Later, ""Newsradio"" star Dave Foley promotes the movie ""Dick.""

Dave repeatedly shows footage of the Taco Bell chihuahua saying ""funkalicious."" Later, Dave and William H. Macy drink Tang spiked with Jack Daniels.

During CBS Mailbag, Alan punches Dave. Later, Dave's former ""Starland Vocal Band Hour"" co-star Jeff Altman looks back at his tumultous television career.

Paul refers to Regis as a bastard, only for the ""Millionaire"" host to retaliate.

Kreskin's knowledge of 70's backup singers is tested in a segment called ""Commodore or Pip?"" Later, Smash Mouth performs their smash hit ""All-Star.""

Dave announces that a crack in the building next door caused a temporary evacuation of the theater. Later, The Mavericks perform ""There Goes My Heart.""

Dave takes up an offering for a preacher who played ""Who Your Deer Repellants.""

During CBS Mailbag, Inky Mendez announces his candidacy for the US Senate, while Dave chats with ""Hillary Clinton"" (Gerard).

A shirtless Vince DeMentri interviews people on the street, asking them what they think of Hillary Clinton. Later, Katie Holmes promotes ""Dawson's Creek.""

Dave announces that tonight, ""We're going to have good old-fashioned fun"": all night, Richard Egan stands on 53rd St. guessing the weight of passersby.

Terence Blanchard sits in with the band, while Olympic diver Kathy Pesek does a demonstration for the audience (via telephone).

Dave announces that tonight is the premiere of ""Late Show Who Wants to be a Billionaire?"" Tonight's first question: ""Who took over for the 'Brady Bunch' father after the original actor was arrested and imprisoned for the grisly kidnap and murder of the show's wardrobe designer?"" The answer: Dennis Weaver.

Dave announces that after 6 years and 1,278 shows on CBS, he now wants to be called ""Daddy""; Alan beats up Regis during CBS Mailbag; Albert Brooks makes a phone call to his pet parrot.

Dave rants about the CBS/Viacom merger; Kevin James promotes a new comedy special.

Dave tries to call Sumner Redstone's office, then persuades Ricki Lake to make a crank call to Oprah.

Craig Kilborn promotes some talk show that comes on after Dave's.

John Popper sits in with the band, while Alan punches Sumner Redstone during CBS Mailbag.

George Clarke dances in a diaper; Dave shows a ""highlight"" from last night's Emmy win: a clip of Rob Burnett kissing his wife at the ceremony (he forgot last year).

Andrea Sande and Nadine Hennelly help Joe G's with a Y2K Inspection. They pass, of course.

Throughout the night, staffer Brian Donahue falls down staircases. Later, Meatloaf promotes ""Crazy in Alabama.""

With the possibility of a rare hurricane hitting New York City, Paul checks for ""talk show closings"" and Dave comes on stage in a poncho and galoshes. Meanwhile, Jenna Elfman hijacks Anton's drumset, and Christina Aguilera performs ""What a Girl Wants.""

During CBS Mailbag, Alan threatens to beat up Secretary of the Treasury Lawrence Summers, but he goes to his anger management counselor instead.

Joe Haden fills in for Alan; Warren Zevon fills in for Paul; Rupert walks over to the CBS Store and reviews the new fall shows on CBS.

Paul and a local high schooler try their best to learn how to parallel park, while Robin Williams promotes ""Bicentennial Man.""

Alan, Regis, Bill Delace, and Mike McIntee portray members of the audience during ""Who Asked For It?""; Ashley Judd promotes ""Double Jeopardy.""

Dave announces that next year, the show will be rechristened ""Late Show 2000,"" while Roger Ebert promotes his revamped talk show.

During CBS Mailbag, Harold Larkin comments on body piercing, while Dave ""appears"" in a Gap commercial.

Biff gives a blanket to a cold audience girl; Chewy the Dog looks for truffles; Tom Waits sings with a bullhorn.

Nadine, Andrea, Sirajul (but not Mujibur) and Joe G. play ""Who Wants to Win a Giant Phony Check for $1,000,000?"" Later, Alan promotes a film he just produced called ""For the Ladies"" (which turns out to be weightlifting porn flick).

Dave tells another dentist-related horror story; in ""New for Fall,"" Mujibur and Sirajul star in the Bollywood musical ""Basanta Gan Gaibay""; Evander Holyfield presents the Top Ten, but Lennox Lewis interupts to introduce #1.

Kevin Spacey promotes ""American Beauty,"" then gives Dave a bag of Presidential M&M's. Later, Harold Larkin tells one of the ""True Stories of the Late Show Stagehands"": He walks into a mysterious closet backstage, falls into a black hole, then walks out in a nonchalant fashion.

Alan's angry because he's not allowed to punch anybody; Dave goes berzerk adjusting his tie; Alan beats up writer Joe Toplyn under Mujibur and Sirajul's supervision.

""Biff Henderson's America"" spends four days in Turkey, Texas; David Bowie performs ""Thursday's Child.""

Mujibur and Sirajul sample food at Hello Deli; an ad for ""Late Show on Tour,"" with Jackie Mason playing Dave; In honor of tonight's guest, Dave announces that he will no longer make any more jokes relating to Dan Quayle.

Tonight's edition of ""True Stories of the Late Show Stagehands"" finds Pat and Kenny in a plane crash over the Andes, where they're reduced to cannibalism.

A 100-year-old man presents the Top Ten; Biff waits on the fire escape by 53rd street and yells to President Clinton's motorcade that he has snacks.